Roommates from Hell

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.”

                                                                                                                                                                                                -Albert Einstein 

I am sure you have read my blog post over a year ago – The roommate from Dumb-land, about the most stupidest girl I ever met. I was new then, just a couple of months away from home, still new to the concept of how idiotic people can be. But now, believe me…….after staying away from home for over 18 months, the number of colourful characters that I have met has just hit the roof. When Dumb roomie No. 1 left, I thought there would be no one who could match the amount of absurdity she displayed. I was so wrong. Since then, I have had to deal with people who have driven me to the edge of insanity.

Well let me begin with the ‘Super Geek’. I have literally never in my life seen someone studying so much. Never remember her being without a book ever. All she used to do is sit on her bed and study. When I used to open my eyes in the morning, she would be studying. Even while sleeping, the last image I used to see before closing my eyes was her lean frame bent over a book that probably weighed more than her. She used whip out a book from the bag, the moment she entered the room.I will be genuinely surprised if she doesn’t end up a CEO of some big-shot company!

geek

Then came the ‘Slow One’. Everything she did was a zillion times slower. for example, she used to take nearly 20 mins just to get food on her plate. How much time went in consuming it, don’t ask. I used to feel sleepy even by looking at her. I could complete a leisurely power nap in the pause between the sentences she spoke. I swear I have seen turtles who are faster than her.

turtle

She was followed by one I call ‘The Skeleton‘. If you are thinking the name represents her physical appearance, you are not entirely wrong but it was much more than that. Picture this: You are lying on your bed. It is past midnight. Only a dim zero watt bulb is shining. You are not able to sleep so you decide to watch a movie on your phablet. Suddenly you hear a sound that makes you look up…..and…you see all horror in the world. I find her sitting on her bed, staring at me with big red eyes, laughing, moving her head sideways and singing a sentence over and over again in a language I did not understand. Her back is bent, her arms and legs twisted at an awkward angle (would have even put ‘Linda Blair of The Exorcist’ fame to shame). It did not take even a second for me to run out of the room and bang on my neighbour’s door. After accumulating all the courage I could gather I returned back to my room only to witness this scary spectacle twice more in the same night. Needless to say I spent the entire night sitting on my bed, too scared to even lie down and (believe it or not) chanting the Hanuman chalisa (A Hindu devotional hymn) over and over again! Whether she was actually possessed I know not. Although I am surprised I didn’t went running down the road to the local church and demanding the priest to perform an exorcism.

skeleton

Thankfully my ordeal lasted only for 2 days. I had sufficiently spooked my landlady to show this girl the door. I was now hoping for some normal person to come to stay. But instead I got ‘The Question Mark'(Miss QM)! The name says it all. She painfully reminds of Dumb Roomie No. 1 from the original post….Only she is a 1000 times worse. The day she came to stay, she began unpacking her stuff at 10 pm in the night and then proceeded to show me every single item she took out of the bag followed by the question, ‘Where shall I keep this?’ EVERY SINGLE ITEM (you all are sane enough to know what that might include). Imagine being shown about 50-60 random things in quick succession accompanied by an annoyingly shrill voice. All this because, she has never stayed away from home and does not know where stuff goes. (Has she ever heard of something called Shelf or a Cupboard? I doubt).

qm

 

She is also apparently obsessed with hair – What shampoo do you use? What conditioner do you use? What hair oil do you use? Why are your hair so silky? What hair-cut is this? How do you make your hair grow? (WTF). Luckily I am not the only one who suffers. She asks this question to every girl in the building. She even asks me how much each of my things costs and proceeds to make a not of them in her book. Like, how much does your phone cost? How much do your iPod cost? How much does your laptop cost? 

Then, her knowledge about facts is even more bizarre. For example, she thinks Sherlock Holmes was created by Agatha Christie! (Sir Arthur Conan Doyle must be laughing his ass off in the writer’s heaven). Explaining cricket to an American or a person who has spent his entire life in Antarctica, would be more easier than explaining it to her. Or for that matter, any sport.

Every morning and night, she learns multiplication tables! Yep, you read that right! It begins with 2 times 1 is 2, 2 times 2 is 4, 2 times 3 is 6. So on and so forth. And by the way, she is 24 not 8! (Girl, what the heck where you doing in the first grade??)

I could go on and on but my depleted brain cells do not allow too much stress these days. In last 18 months, I have had 10 different roommates and apart from a couple of genuinely sensible ones, the others have all been bimbos. Like literally. I will end this blog with the explanation Miss. QM gives for her short height:-

(In her own words): “You know why height is short? When I was young, I was very very fat. Even my parents used to make fun of me. So, I began dieting from age 10. I began eating less and less food. So my body did not get any nutrients and my height never increased.”

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