THE CURSE – From the diary of a Genius

GENIUS is a CURSE. A curse that you get born with. A curse from which you never get free. Once you come to know of it, it manifests even strongly and you can never ever get rid of it….

I am a “genius”. I do not know, whether that is something to be proud of, to be happy about or to be appalled with. All I know is that ever since I remember, I have lived my life in isolation. I have been forever alone. I have cried alone. I have been happy alone. I have been angry alone. I have experienced the joyest of all joys alone. I have experienced the saddest of all sorrows alone. I have condemned myself to a lifelong of suffering. I have shunned people and shut them out of my life. I haven’t let anyone come close and I am happy in that realization. People who think they know me better don’t yet know that they are still on the surface…. I have pulled so many masks on my face, that the real me is hidden beneath countless layers of pseudo happiness. A new face for every person I meet…a happy face….a smiley face…a face that can hide infinite pain….a face with ancient eyes pitying thyself…

I sometimes wish I was normal, with no special talents, with an ordinary life. A “one” among “millions”… everyday face. But, ever since I stepped in this world, I knew I was different…..different than those who surrounded me. Life was rosy at first. The world was in my tow. I had great expectations from myself….countless dreams…so many talents to nurture…an intelligence to grow…

I stood up high, looked at the sky in the eye

And promised it that someday I will fly

I will dance in the clouds and play in the sun

I will make my life full of surprises and fun

I will ride with the wind and pour with the rain

I would live a life devoid of any pain

But life doesnt always turn out to be the way we want it, does it? 

Sometimes, a genius has to make huge sacrifices, which I did…..Huge sacrifices…..I betrayed myself.  didn’t stand up for my own right. I accepted my fate. Had I the courage to fight for my identity, it would have been a different picture. But I made a wrong choice. A choice that broke me…

I became ordinary and in doing so I did the biggest crime a genius can ever commit….”Living a life much less than I deserved….”

The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settle for

— Maureen Dowd 

I kept being drawn in this vortex of sacrifices and the next thing I knew is that I had sacrificed the “real me” for the people I loved. I had accepted everything around me, clipped my wings and forced myself to forget that I had the gift of flight. I had voluntarily made myself into a common rat that runs in mazes competing blindly. I had killed the expectations I had from myself instead I had molded myself to the expectations of others. I had no will. Or maybe I had it but I never bothered about it. 

From a life of genuine smiles I descended to a death which I began to live with everyday….

In this journey of life I have met and interacted with thousands of people. Some recognized me for what I am. They do not understand why am I hiding. They know not of my troubles. They do not know the hurt I live with. They think I am a loser (which I know I am)….they think I am stupid (which I show I am, but I am not)….they are jealous of me for having such brilliant gifts yet they mock at me saying I don’t deserve them as I hide them from all…

For they do not know the tribulations I face….I wish I could make them explain…I wish I could let them know why I made some choices. I wish I could explain the psychological trauma that I live with every moment of the day. 

Then there are some who treat me like dirt…..those who think I am a spineless coward….those who think that since I couldn’t even stand up for my own rights, I wouldn’t hit them back….and I spend my life suffocating under the shadow of these people who are less than me…people rich by money and worldly pleasures but poorer in relationships and humanity. Sometimes I feel inexplicable anger towards them yet at times I pity them for what they are. ‘coz in spite of chaining my soul to a lifelong worth of prison sentence I know I still got one as opposed to them who have sold it for monetary gains.

The world is “practical” and I know its not made for dreamers like me. History has seen countless geniuses that have walked on the earth since eternity and still does now. But history hasn’t seen a million more that could have been BUT never got a chance….those who forsaked their life…those who bargained their happiness for the likes of others….

And I can’t even kill myself. Not because I’m afraid to….or a coward to do so but because I know that it’s not the answer…..that I “have” to live with those sufferings …..Sometimes the hurt is too much to move on…..the regrets weigh me down…I falter…I stumble…yet I hold my head up high knowing that some day or in some life, I will get my due…That life will someday pay me back for putting me through this…

Sometimes, I replay my life over and over again and think of all those times when I had two roads to choose and I chose one…what if I had chosen the other…..would choosing a different path brought me to a different destination or would I have wound up right here….right now…What if all my broken dreams are indeed a reality in a different time dimension…what if a different me in a different time vortex is living the dreams that I dreamt…inhaling the aroma of success….not hiding behind false masks but proudly flaunting my genius….What if I am proud to be different…that I am living a life I deserve….what if  I am truly happy somewhere in some time…

Alas, that is not my fate right here, right now…

With heavy heart, I accept…..I stumble, I steady…I hold back tears, I put on the mask….I cry rivers, I plaster a smile on my lips….I forget myself as usual and keep one face in front of my eyes….I tell myself that this isn’t for me…but for someone else….and I endure the never-ending suffering with the knowledge that morning always follows even the darkest of all nights….

~From the diary of a Genius, Writ this day, Sunday, August 14th, in the city that made my dreams and broke them too

5 thoughts on “THE CURSE – From the diary of a Genius

  1. My friend I found & find myself in the same predicament as yourself at this very moment. I shut myself out & off and now when i look back to view my life I was close to death; the way I choose to live, not taking my destiny into my own two hands. I didn’t say anything to other’s, I didn’t interact, I didn’t want anyone to know me. No one will/would understand me anyway. The brightest persons i’ve met understand me to some degree and I like to talk to them. We could sit an entire day and just talk about the mysteries of the universe.
    You should also know that, quote from Einstein “In teory you could explain physics to a barmaid,” it’s actually a joke! No person can interact with another person if he dosent have the same knowledge /& intelligence, meaning every person that knows less and ain’t as smart won’t understand the way you think, ever should they stay the way they are! Better yet, your bigger *concious matrix*. You have to learn to live with that. To be happy for yourself, furfilling yourself, your dreams. You are unique in your own way and everyone is. I’ve read everything off importance in the concepts of learning, i’ve read many books on the human psyche and i read about everything of facts; searching for the truth to everything and never again will i stagnate or shun my ‘self.’ I don’t tell other’s how I am, because it dosent matter; I controll my mind.

    I’ve been told I have the urge to get to the core of everything I put my concioucness into. I believe you are the same person. Our strength is our knowledge & wisdom, our strength is our vounrability; to surrender, to acknowledge, to accept how things are ~ to live in conform!

    I urge you to learn, to follow your dreams to never be satisfied… If we truly are the same, you will know what i mean.

  2. Strong and will, kill, kill all those who oppose you.
    Powered by this anger and hatred, tell them the torrent of hatred and stupidity you feel for them.
    Only then will they shut the fuck up.
    Their feathers ruffled, shocked and angry, leave them in the rubble.

    What I do is always bad to them. I don’t care, fuck you.
    And that’s how I feel.
    I will fight
    I will triumph and even though I know
    I know all those things isn’t the way
    Not the way it is supposed to be
    But it is the only way of now

    The path to God is a bloody one. Do not bow down, do not hide, do not remain quiet. Speak up and kill them. Slay them, all those pathetic vermines.
    And all shall be said, this is the way of the Gods.

  3. Flow my tears your words bring. Great article, I wish those who I grew up with and have since fallen could read then and understand how alone we are not. And Metatron, any genius can be what any other person needs to hear, that is simplicity in itself. It is not being able to find another who can truly hear what we say that causes the pain. It is our views of what we see colored by what we are trained that create the dichotomies that eat us alive. Rejoice if you lack it, for it is truly a curse as bleak and forlorn as it gets.

  4. I am 14 and after the guilt that I am getting things others (like in Syria) don’t this is one of hundred things that depress me, I want to make this world a better place but most probable destiny is something like this. Most people are parasites that use and throw me, Still there are some good people and no matter what happens I will fight not for those who use me but for those who are good. I have no true friend most of them get scared if I try to show up as Tony Stark puts it in Avengers “Intellegence organiazation afraid of intellegent people, historically not awesome” thing is simple; people are selfish and don’t think in the way we do, plus they if not selfish are nationalists: Just think if everyone is busy for own country then people like Hitler will be born as they thrive on Nationalism. Other is atheism, If I don’t impose my atheism on you why you want to prove god to me? There are hundred things like that, plus I am guilty for such a life as other good people die and I am not even good according to me, I want to help others cause I think what if [“I”] had same problem plus I want humanity to live forever which is next to no chances, it is simple if Humanity is going to get destroyed after 10 million years no point to survive now too, Kill self and everyone,I know all this probably is like web above as from one thing otherwise think differently and that is problem: Let me tell you how we think other geniuses might understand it.

    A to B to C to F to K to M to A to Z

    Like You show me a pencil in yellow colour I know first pencils were coloured in yellow and how pencils are made so I remeber Lead from that from which Pereodic table from which Mendelev from which his beard from which I remeber that my class teacher is now telling something about poem in book( I don’t care I can understand on my own) and now I drop previous thread and start something else.

    I don’t how other geniuses think, I think in an even more complex way but It would have become even longer.

  5. Honestly the most relatable thing I’ve ever read. I’m not an emotional person, but this touched me, it broke me down. Thank you.

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