THE CURSE – From the diary of a Genius

“GENIUS is a CURSE. A curse that you get born with. A curse from which you never get free. Once you come to know of it, it manifests even strongly and you can never ever get rid of it….

I am a “genius”. I do not know, whether that is something to be proud of, to be happy about or to be appalled with. All I know is that ever since I remember, I have lived my life in isolation. I have been forever alone. I have cried alone. I have been happy alone. I have been angry alone. I have experienced the joyest of all joys alone. I have experienced the saddest of all sorrows alone. I have condemned myself to a lifelong of suffering. I have shunned people and shut them out of my life. I haven’t let anyone come close and I am happy in that realization. People who think they know me better don’t yet know that they are still on the surface…. I have pulled so many masks on my face, that the real me is hidden beneath countless layers of pseudo happiness. A new face for every person I meet…a happy face….a smiley face…a face that can hide infinite pain….a face with ancient eyes pitying thyself…

I sometimes wish I was normal, with no special talents, with an ordinary life. A “one” among “millions”…..an everyday face. But, ever since I stepped in this world, I knew I was different…..different than those who surrounded me. Life was rosy at first. The world was in my tow. I had great expectations from myself….countless dreams…so many talents to nurture…an intelligence to grow…

I stood up high, looked at the sky in the eye

And promised it that someday I will fly

I will dance in the clouds and play in the sun

I will make my life full of surprises and fun

I will ride with the wind and pour with the rain

I would live a life devoid of any pain

But life doesnt always turn out to be the way we want it, does it? 

Sometimes, a genius has to make huge sacrifices, which I did…..Huge sacrifices…..I betrayed myself.  didn’t stand up for my own right. I accepted my fate. Had I the courage to fight for my identity, it would have been a different picture. But I made a wrong choice. A choice that broke me…

I became ordinary and in doing so I did the biggest crime a genius can ever commit….”Living a life much less than I deserved….”

The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settle for

– Maureen Dowd 

I kept being drawn in this vortex of sacrifices and the next thing I knew is that I had sacrificed the “real me” for the people I loved. I had accepted everything around me, clipped my wings and forced myself to forget that I had the gift of flight. I had voluntarily made myself into a common rat that runs in mazes competing blindly. I had killed the expectations I had from myself instead I had molded myself to the expectations of others. I had no will. Or maybe I had it but I never bothered about it. 

From a life of genuine smiles I descended to a death which I began to live with everyday….

In this journey of life I have met and interacted with thousands of people. Some recognized me for what I am. They do not understand why am I hiding. They know not of my troubles. They do not know the hurt I live with. They think I am a loser (which I know I am)….they think I am stupid (which I show I am, but I am not)….they are jealous of me for having such brilliant gifts yet they mock at me saying I don’t deserve them as I hide them from all…

For they do not know the tribulations I face….I wish I could make them explain…I wish I could let them know why I made some choices. I wish I could explain the psychological trauma that I live with every moment of the day. 

Then there are some who treat me like dirt…..those who think I am a spineless coward….those who think that since I couldn’t even stand up for my own rights, I wouldn’t hit them back….and I spend my life suffocating under the shadow of these people who are less than me…people rich by money and worldly pleasures but poorer in relationships and humanity. Sometimes I feel inexplicable anger towards them yet at times I pity them for what they are. ‘coz in spite of chaining my soul to a lifelong worth of prison sentence I know I still got one as opposed to them who have sold it for monetary gains.

The world is “practical” and I know its not made for dreamers like me. History has seen countless geniuses that have walked on the earth since eternity and still does now. But history hasn’t seen a million more that could have been BUT never got a chance….those who forsaked their life…those who bargained their happiness for the likes of others….

And I can’t even kill myself. Not because I’m afraid to….or a coward to do so but because I know that it’s not the answer…..that I “have” to live with those sufferings …..Sometimes the hurt is too much to move on…..the regrets weigh me down…I falter…I stumble…yet I hold my head up high knowing that some day or in some life, I will get my due…That life will someday pay me back for putting me through this…

Sometimes, I replay my life over and over again and think of all those times when I had two roads to choose and I chose one…what if I had chosen the other…..would choosing a different path brought me to a different destination or would I have wound up right here….right now…What if all my broken dreams are indeed a reality in a different time dimension…what if a different me in a different time vortex is living the dreams that I dreamt…inhaling the aroma of success….not hiding behind false masks but proudly flaunting my genius….What if I am proud to be different…that I am living a life I deserve….what if  I am truly happy somewhere in some time…

Alas, that is not my fate right here, right now…

With heavy heart, I accept…..I stumble, I steady…I hold back tears, I put on the mask….I cry rivers, I plaster a smile on my lips….I forget myself as usual and keep one face in front of my eyes….I tell myself that this isn’t for me…but for someone else….and I endure the never-ending suffering with the knowledge that morning always follows even the darkest of all nights….“

~From the diary of a Genius, Writ this day, Sunday, August 14th, in the city that made my dreams and broke them too

This “C” is NOT COOL

Have you ever seen a crab on the seashore. You’ll get amazed with the intensity with which it binds itself to what it holds dear. If you try catching it, it will use it’s claws as self-defence and hurt you so much that you start bleeding. And next time, you know you won’t cross it’s path.

Now it’s so easy in terms of this reptile. But can you say the same about the disease???

Some people spend a lifetime in smoking, drinking and indulging in all sorts of things they shouldn’t be doing often BUT STILL live a long and satisfying life.

And there are people who think good, act good and live good BUT STILL suffer beyond imagination.

CANCER, it’s such an unpredictable disease. It can strike anyone, anytime. Just when you feel that your life is perfect, your world may come crashing down with a single diagnosis.

The pain of the disease and the un-tolerable side effects of Chemotherapy and Radiation can leave a person both physically and mentally tired. In severe cases, the prediction that your life can end within 3-6 month, itself is so scary that a person may die of this idea itself.

Have you ever known how it feels when you see a person you love suffering and there’s nothing you can do about it…. Ever experienced the crippling sensation you can have to see the one’s you love die in front of you and you are helpless about it.

Cancer kills not only the person but also the family.

Anybody who hasn’t gone through the suffering will never know what it really is.

What can YOU do?

If you are diagnosed with cancer tomorrow,what will your reaction be? You might have been a very courageous person all your life but the idea of death is known to put fear in the hearts of even the mightiest ones.

And if some near and dear one is in that place? The realization of someone going from your life forever can be so terrifying.

The only thing that remains in our hands is to, ACCEPT THE REALITY.

If you are a religious person, you can have faith in God and pray for giving you the strength to cope up with the tragedy.

Even if you are not a religious person, you can learn from life. Learn how things just happen and all you can do is accept them as they are and play your part. Grieve because the situation demands and in the end be happy because that’s how you should be.

In the end, happiness does conquer over sorrow but what to do? This “C” is NOT COOL.