REGRET

He sits by the table, his back to the window staring at the solitary candle flickering with the gentle cool breeze. The wall in front of him is bare, illuminated with the dim light of the candle and a canvas for strange shadows dancing on it. He gets up and walks to the window and peers into the darkness outside. The storm has subsided, he can hear only the the gentle pitter-patter of the rain now. The wind has died down and all is quiet except for the distant howling of the dogs. But it doesn’t looks like the electricity is going to be restored soon. I don’t think anyone bothers about it. It is a small suburb on the outskirts of a major city, quaint and dull. The townsfolk themselves are used to be being ignored at all times. It is OK for him though. He likes the anonymity this town offers. Here he doesn’t have to pull any masks over his face. He is content, living in this one-storey small bungalow surrounded by hills and trees. And anyways, he is here for a specific purpose which he intends to fulfill tonight.

He looks back and glances at the room. There is a a huge bed on one side, a dresser with a full length mirror and a writing table with a chair at the opposite end. The walls are bare. It is a strictly impersonal room with no sign of an individual attached to it. He presses his back against the window and gets lost in watching the flickering flame of the candle again. Beside it, there is a piece of paper and a pen, a small clock reading 22:30 in green color, a glass of water and a bottle of sleeping pills. 

He is snapped back into reality with a flash of lightening. The rain is gaining momentum again. It is going to be a long night. Long and wet. The drizzle has changed to a full-fledged downpour within seconds. He hastily closes the window and walks back to the chair. Sitting on it, he rests his elbow on the arm of the chair and supports his head. The cell phone in his right-hand pocket starts buzzing incessantly. He watches the name splashed across the screen and ignores it. Finally when the phone stops ringing, he checks the notifications – 6 missed calls, 11 messages! He doesn’t want to talk to anybody right now – no friends, no family. He has come here to get away from all. He wants to be alone. He needs to be alone. 

Completely bored and utterly unsure of what to do next, he begins to skim through his phone’s photo gallery. A sad smile spreads on his face as he looks fondly at those memories. Lost amidst those scores of pictures, he suddenly finds the one he wanted to avoid. It’s her! He is confused. He had thought that he deleted every single one of her pics. But apparently, this escaped attention. It is a group photo with her at the corner, hand carelessly draped over his shoulder. He feels a sudden surge of pain in his heart and his body goes rigid. And then the tears come. He quietly buries his head in his hands and weeps silently. After what seems like hours, he looks up; wipes the un-dried tears with the back of his hand and leans backwards. He closes his eyes and gets lost in that beautiful memory that once…..was his life!

She giggles and shakes her head. Her long raven hair cascading down her shoulders shining in the pleasant winter sunlight. Her eyes, large and brown like a doe twinkling with mischief, always amused, always curious. Her laughter like a warm spring breeze. She is small and lovely, incredibly cute. Not beautiful, not gorgeous, not sexy but there is something undeniably attractive about her. It’s like- all the sweet and innocent things of the world are wrapped up in that tiny frame. 

He jerks back into reality, half-expecting her to run her hands through his hair, half-expecting to melt in her arms, half-expecting her to kiss him with her soft lips. But it is over! There is no hope left. It’s been over a year and he still cannot forget those times. The past comes haunting him. He can’t concentrate and just can’t bear to go on living in such a dismal way. Nothing has gone right since the day she……nothing…..agghhhh…he lets out a sigh of frustration….and tears at his hair. He is sure he is going to go crazy. The sleeping pills- they are his only option right now! He wants to welcome death, get rid of this everyday despair. 

One word – REGRET! We all face it; every moment of the day. Regret for so many things- for a lost love, a lost hope, a lost cause, a lost opportunity, a lost life….

It is a long journey this life, a long road of trials and tribulations with joys and happiness only sprinkled around. Achieving those smiles is not easy too, we have to work at it. Always faced with numerous choices, we find ourselves constantly debating about which path to take. And it seems like everything around us is against us. We hate more than we love and that we love, we don’t keep. We make mistakes, repeat them and end up completely disoriented and dis-illusioned about life. Some- continue to battle on with a broken spirit while Others succumb and finally give up!

He uncorks the bottle and empties it in his right palm. He picks up the glass of water in the other and screams at the top of his lungs. He is babbling incoherently now like a madman, a glazy look in his eyes. Thats it! Now is the time! He gobbles the pills in one swift motion and gulps the entire contents of the glass. The panic has passed now as he silently eases back. The candle is in the dying stages now. The light has gone even dimmer. He is feeling sleepy now but quite tranquil and at peace. There will be repercussions of this act but in some other reality; not here, not now. For now, there is just serenity around. The last thing he sees as he closes his eyes is the piece of paper fluttering on the desk. There is a single sentence written right in the middle of it – I don’t regret my life, I regret the way I lived it… 

And the candle suddenly burns bright and goes off to plunge its surrounding into an impenetrable darkness. What life didn’t do, death does- it embraces the body of that young man as he slowly sinks into oblivion….

NEVER LET THEM DIE

(Dreams – Only being on the brink of fulfilling one, isn’t enough! They must be nurtured & allowed to grow, they must be fed & watered to give a meaning to life. It is a constant struggle to achieve them, and there will be so many to spoil the party. People who aren’t gracious enough to accept your genius, insecure ones who  will try everything to watch you fail miserably. Fight them. Fight for what you believe in. Dreams do come true, so make an effort to turn them into something so beautiful that the world takes notice & gives your talent the respect it deserves…)

 

She sits by the window sill, staring into the space

A turmoil raging inside her, shadowed by the calmness of her face

She gathers all her wits with might, to allow herself a smile

A true genuine happiness, that had been missing for a while.

A dream she thought was impossible, an unbelievable wish, you see

Of a door she locked long ago and threw away the key

 

In an desperate attempt to fit in, she had compromised her life

Resigned to a monotony of usual existence & an everyday stressful strife

But, struggle molded her to the strong person what she is now

The hard-work all paid off, she still doesn’t know how

 

She knows not now a care in the world

Her life has just begun

Expectations that will soon dwarf even the moon & the sun

Laughter & smiles & everything nice, no tears left to cry

With new hope & new life, she will soon give a confident try

 

Though still with melancholy does sorrow shades her face

When people shatter her dreams & forgo all the grace

True smiles are pretty few & indifference plenty to show

How she doesn’t deserve the honor that life did bestow

 

She longs for for words of encouragement & lots of love and hope

Instead, aloofness & uncertainty is with what she is left to cope

With low self-esteem & still carrying, a burden of frustration inside

The gap between her confidence & beliefs, keeps on growing wide

Discouraged & disturbed, the stress builds up on her mind

So much that she sometimes wishes, to put life on rewind

 

Whats scary is  that she longs for, the usual normal ways

Long, boring, dull & stupid, yesteryear days

An uncharacteristic existence, of rats running through a maze

To be one among millions & drown in the common daze.

Whats scary is that she almost wishes

to settle for much less than she deserves

Her talents long forgotten.

Her genius in reserves…

 

Just standing at an open door of opportunity, is not going to get her far

Now the real fight begins, when she battles with the hour

Endures all discouragement & still manages to hold her hope

Secure all her ambitions tightly, with a sturdy rope

 

True genius doesn’t hide, it rises against all will

Even when cynical predators, move in to make their kill

With self-doubt cast aside, she accepts her uncertain fate

To stick to what is right & bide time to patiently wait

 

She gathers strength in her tiny limbs

And prepares for the final flight

Even when they tie her legs

And set her wings alight

She just soars straight high

To burn the never-ending sky

To not give up & believe in her dreams

AND NEVER LET THEM DIE!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ALIVE

(Sometimes there is no reason for existence, no reason to thrive, absolutely no reason to survive and in the journey towards death, living until the end – a challenge that seems impossible)

She and her indifferent ways

Ways I cannot fathom, neither can others

Others they point fingers, laugh at her

And she laughs back at them

Not a flicker of pain passes over her face

Her hurts are buried deep within layers of inscrutability

I am puzzled by her behavior

For she is carrying upon herself, an unquestionable burden

An unnecessary encumbrance

No, she is not a celebrity

Not someone even remotely famous

Perhaps, she is very ordinary

Perhaps, she is a nobody

A self-proclaimed martyr

I don’t think she is meant for others to understand

She will go away from this world as easily and effortlessly she came into

Thousands won’t mourn her death

But she will leave a void in lives of some people that will never be filled

Yet she has a sole purpose

To guide me forward

No, she is not a philosopher

I do not learn the mysteries of universe from her

But she keeps me sane

She makes me believe

Makes me believe in a bigger picture

A better future

As I navigate through an uncertain present

She shows me the unearthed good in the past I buried long ago

When I cry, when I hurt; She doesn’t wipe my tears

She amplifies my endurance

When all seems lost & the ground I walk on trembles

She becomes the crutches that help me to stand

When I jump from a cliff, she doesn’t catch me

Instead gives me wings so that I can navigate my own flight

When I am drowning, she is not the ship that rescues me

Instead she teaches me to swim against the tide

Deep down I know she is my wellwisher

Though usually I never fathom her ways

She is not the answer to my every question

Instead she creates more questions than I can answer

Yet she makes me who I am

Yet she holds me up when I am down

;

People call her a bitch, so do I

People call her difficult, so do I

People call her strange, so do I

And all those tags are justified

When I see my closed ones suffering

When I cannot salvage any hope

When I am sick and tired, wounded and hurt

When I am carrying the burden of broken relationships

When I am too afraid to trust & too scared to move forward

Then in all fairness, She becomes UNFAIR

She still smiles at me

Mocks at my innonence

And though she longs to hug me & say its alright

At difficult times, even she is the servant of circumstance

But sometimes, She is lovely

Fresh as the spring breeze

Warm as the summer sun

Pure as the snowy white

And pleasant as the drizzling rain

And so…

People call her sweet, so do I

People call her love, so do I

People call her a blessing, so do I

And all those tags are justified

When laughter surrounds my near & dear

When the one I love makes my day

When friends are my biggest strength

When genuine smiles are not far away

In a world, in which, every single day

I make efforts & efforts to SURVIVE

The more you obtain, only when you learn to GIVE

As I struggle everyday just to THRIVE

She shows me what’s it to LIVE

WHO IS SHE?

She is ME

She is WE

She is MY BODY, MY SOUL

She is a PART

She is a PIECE

She is a HALF

Even the WHOLE

She is EVERY BREATH I TAKE

Every IMPULSE I GENERATE

And Every feeling that I STOLE

You know who she is

Yet you deny

‘coz your innocence evaporated

With the youth

You surround yourselves with lies & deception

And move farther away from the truth

Her going away is not in her hands either

And she is scared for us, you know

When we fail to appreciate the little things

And just give up & don’t grow

She is afraid that she will have to leave early

Even before she makes you understand

And alone, you will get stranded in the darkness

Sinking helplessly in the quicksand

Embrace her before it’s too late

‘coz trust me, even animals SURVIVE

But it takes lot of courage

To break the chains

And admit that you are ALIVE

With joys & happiness in PLENTY

And sorrows that are RIFE

She is that invisible GOD

For she is…………….LIFE

A NEW YEAR’S BEGINNING

(Never say “This can’t happen to me”, ‘coz Life has a funny way of proving us right. We begin the New Year with lots of positive energy and enthusiasm but as the year grows old we succumb to its everyday frustrations & squabbles. We fall prey to the constant depressions and the year we thought to be great, turns out a disaster. Truth is, at any given point of our lives, we are capable of making the required changes & live our lives to the fullest…a change in the day or month or even a year does not make a difference. But, man is so psychologically dependent on external factors that a move like this is justifiable in situations when we are trying to embark on a new beginning…when we are willing to accept change and also willing to make it. When we are willing to overlook the hurts & pains of all yesterdays and willing to face life with all its troubles. When minor wounds don’t matter and the biggest blows just test the level of our endurance….when death is nothing to be afraid of  and life, a dream to live……)

 

I stand in front of the mirror

And see what only I can see

Me, covered with bruises & burns

And wounds that were meant to be

I have been pushed & kicked…stoned & hurt

Yet I try to stand my way

As I support unsteadily my broken body

I know I will be okay

Those are the hurts I suffered for long

Those disappointments that left me sad

The pain that ripped open my heart

Those moments that brought out my bad

And although the moments of happiness are scarce

A smile gets inscribed on my lips

As I count the days of true love & care

They barely cover my fingertips

Our memory is such a fickle friend

It makes us remember the things we’d rather miss

It forces us to see our failings o many

The hell’s poison & the death’s kiss

Yet I am amazed, how I survived the past year

Where from the hell this strength I got?

Why didn’t my trust rot?

Why hope my heart does crave?

Why is it that I only emerged stronger?

How could I be so brave?

How could I have survived this longer?

On the night of the last day of the year

I came to terms with this life

The year that broke me down

The incidents that left me shaken

And the people who made me frown

The love that I lost & never regained

The relationships that I killed

The opportunities I let go off so easily

And never did as I willed

Acceptance is the first step towards freedom they say

As I accept my fate as it is

Forgiveness of thyself is the first right they say

As i forgive myself as it is

The more I accept; the more I forgive

I can see the wounds healing

The bruises slowly vanish away

The scars keep disappearing

My body is regaining its lost vigor

The burns get cold

My innocence takes a steady hold

And as the new year kicks in the trigger

With hope I stare right at the sun

With faith I leap off this train

Chuck all the old baggage of the past

I leave it behind with disdain

I know not what tears will the new year hold

How much more can I contain?

I know not how can my heart patch up

How much more my efforts shall go in vain?

Could I ever hope for true joy?

For someone to unconditionally love

For being the reason for someone’s smile

A relation formed in heavens above

For a day without tension

For dreams to become real

For helping hand to offer

A world so surreal

Yet I don’t have a choice

But to move on

To lead or to follow

Till my time comes

For a single purpose I will to live

To fall & falter

To stumble & to gather

For a single purpose I will to live

I stand in front of the  mirror again

With a clear face & strong body

Is this the person I once knew I think

Or was it else somebody?

And as the new year progresses

This body will get old to see

The strength will seem to be weak

A reflection of broken me

When the first bruise appears

And splits open my heart real bad

As I bleed like crazy

And the blood soaks my skin & bones

My vision turns sad n sad

In a not-so-distant future

When I shall stand like this

To welcome another year

I hope I will have fewer regrets

And few disappointments to bear

The tears would be of happiness

 Of a year that was well spent

Of so much promise for life to come

Of memories that came & went

So hit me life

With all that you have got

I will fight u

Till my last breath

In the setting sun

I will replenish

As with open arms

I welcome death

THE ELUSIVE MILESTONE

Dear Sachin,

In all my excitement, as I woke up on Friday, November 25th, all that I wanted was your 100th ton. Just like billions of others like me…

The way I saw you bat in the morning, not only re-affirmed my devotion for you but also took my breath away. The shots that you hit, the technique that you displayed was flawless and I couldn’t help but admire your genius. But the catch from Sammy, not only stunned Wankhede crowd but also shocked us mortals and we retreated back in our cocoon of everyday frustrations and happenings…

When I got back home later that night, I connected to mycrickethighlights.com, just to have a look at your entire innings and believe me, I was mesmerized. Those 94 runs were like 194 to me at that time. It didn’t matter that it was not converted into a century…It didn’t matter that we still have to wait for your 100th ton….All that mattered was your game….your un-tarnished, unbeatable natural flair….

Sometimes we wonder whether we are true fans. We so desperately want you to hit that elusive ton, yet we do not realize that all this hype is just pointless… 

A person of your stature does not require reaffirmations from us to continue your natural game. For you, milestones have always been secondary to your passion for the game and a chance to serve your motherland. 

It is an undisputed fact that one fine day, you are definitely going to hit that ton and silence your critics and I realize, it really wouldn’t change anything… It won’t change you as a person, or it wouldn’t change our love for you….It would only just add yet another feather to your cap…

Sachin, isn’t our love for you kind of contradictory? We want you to keep on playing as you always do, yet we pressure you with our burden of expectations..

Because after all these years, the only thing we desire is to keep watching you play…whether you hit a 20, a 50, or a 100…..there is pleasure in every boundary you hit and your every six is like an burst of enthusiasm…

The respect that you command is so unparallel, that you are an object of fascination among many. We pray for you, we pray to you and we hold you so close to your hearts that our lives revolve around you..

I remember when you once said in an interview- “I hate losing and cricket being my first love, once I enter the ground it’s a different zone altogether and that hunger for winning is always there.” It not only explains your youthful desire to stick to your love for the game but also the attitude to better yourself with time. I just consider myself lucky to be born in era that serves as a witness to your life.

In hailing you as God, we do satisfy our inner urge to worship yet forget easily that on a basic level, you are human too. You aren’t a machine that we can control to our liking…You cannot hit a century in every match…You are very well going to be bowled out on ducks and failures will be in plenty always….And if it weren’t for those failures, those minor disappointments; we would never have understood our faith in you. What makes us worship you as God, is the likeness we observe in you as a human….something to which we can identify ourselves with and still the difference between us that is a result of  a divine character that you have unknowingly created for yourself.

Stupid news channel and newspaper editors don’t bother me anymore. I do not even consider them worthy enough to get angry on. 

As I spend yet another day going through all their baseless assumptions and accusations in all media (whether in print or audio-visual); I cannot help but feel a kind of hopeless pity on their tiny brains and even more non-existent heart. 

Their public disapproval of you, your genius, your perseverance, your strength just makes a mockery of the pure faith and devotion of billions of us worshipers all  over the world; becoz in this world of deceptions, such purity is an illusionary concept.

As I print these words out, they not only exude my love for you but also echo the sentiments of billions of other fans like me. Fans who, feel like breaking TV sets when you get out early; fans who skip food to get a glimpse of you; fans whose only source of real happiness comes from seeing you bat; fans who have cried rivers with happiness when you finally got your world cup dream…

On the day you hit your 100th ton; see how crazily this same media will carry you on their heads and show your entire lifetime on television…They shall proclaim it as history being created…..Stupid Morons!

What they will not realize is that history was indeed made, long time ago…one fine day in the past…when world came to a standstill, one fleeting moment on April 24th, 1973….

With Respect, Love & Devotion,

A fan you will never know about

SOME STRENGTH, SOME HOPE

 

 

(What is the night which symbolically means darkness and emptiness is actually the closest ally you could ever get and its the day that turns your enemy. What if, in the light you are misled and broken down and in the darkness you patch up. What if, its the bright that damns your life and the black that empowers you to move on???……

One of the greatest lessons in Life I have learned is that, there are some circumstances way beyond our control and although we would like to avoid them, they hit us just as badly no matter what. How much ever you pray or beg God to change things, the destiny that you have set out to fulfill shall not see a change….instead ask for strength…’coz in the end when all fails and each man journeys into the abyss, its ONLY the inner strength that shall keep on going…..)

 

As the darkness comes to close in

And the night draws near

I dream the dream to rock me to sleep

I let the dream sink in

After a long day of pain & sorrow

And before comes the inevitable tomorrow

I want this few hours of bliss

A hug of faith n a warm kiss

‘coz tomorrow again, the pain will rush in

And I shall be thrown out into the crowd

When each passing moment will be worse than death

When melancholy sunrise will greet me

I shall patch my soul the best I could

And move on carrying this burden…

I know I cannot change circumstance

The troubles now in an insolent dance

In middle of the day, the tears shall come

The unbearable heat of the glaring sun

My resolve will weaken as the eve will dawn

New hardships with each minute shall be born

And though I know you will always be there

Maybe not physically but in thoughts to care

My burden you will indeed share

My sorrow you will indeed bear

But the pain slices open my heart

It’s still my hurt to embrace

Although you will be my constant support

Those scattered thoughts I alone need to face

Towards the end of the day I will weaken

The beacon of light will go thin

And I ask not for my troubles to get erased

I just ask for some strength and hope

In the dying faith that held me together so long

I ask for some courage to cope.

They will descend on me like a pack of wolves

They will kick me and curse and hurt me bad

They will hold me responsible for nothing that I did

On me they shall continue getting mad

I will beg in front of them and cry

I shall shout and repeatedly ask why

I will get angry & vow to hurt them so

I will break the promises I made long ago

Yet all this is temporary, I know what I have to do

To continue on this broken path

The journey so long

The road so difficult

The untuned mistimed deadened song

To what level shall he test my endurance

To what extent shall he make me suffer

To what level shall he question my faith

Till survival gets tougher & tougher

Slowly the long day shall end

And the night from shadows shall descend

The darkness will be more welcome than the light

‘coz it will bring freedom to hide

In it shall I dream the dream

Of a much better future and a life

Something to cling on for a few hours of bliss

The broken promises I come to miss

But I know in minutes this night too shall end

And with the day, I shall bow down and bend

Till then let me gather the energy

Let me prepare my self for the dying hour

It’s the day that terrifies me, and chokes me dead

The colors blind me & leave tears to shed

The arrival of the morning soft & slow

The light that engulfs comes with the flow

The nature that will illuminate

An air tight cocoon of hate

As the first ray of sun hits my face

All I ask is for some strength and hope

The blackness slowly delivers me into light

As all I ask is some courage to cope…..

CROSSROADS

Here we stand as silent can be

At the crossroads of our lives

If silence is the goodbye we deserve

In silence shall we walk away

A different path awaits you

A different path I am forced to choose

And although, it’s with you that I would rather be

I walk away beyond the hill

 
I wish I could walk behind you

To support you on your road

And when I couldn’t save you from your fall

To fall with you & stumble my way ahead

It’s at time like these that I feel like a stranger

When I am driven out of our life

Like an outsider I warily watch

But I am not allowed to sneak in

 
Why am I not the person I thought myself to be?

Why am I an alien in my own life?

Why is the perfect world that I built;

Just a pack of dirty lies?

 
I believed I was your soulmate, who with you binds this life

The bearer of your sorrows

The multiplier of your joys

Isn’t it funny that I am the FIRST person with whom you always shared your joys

But somehow I am the LAST one to know when sorrow hazily clouds your eyes

 
And here I thought, I am your other half

To hold your hand and fight the world

To soothe your hurt and to pat your back

To look into your eyes and say, I am with you no matter what

 

A thousand joys of you I could miss

But I am not allowed in your troubles and it hurts to bad

Loneliness is a bitch they say

Now I know why

As I drag your burden along with me

In the darkness of the night I cry

 
The life that I live is one big mess

The food that I eat, tasteless

The air that I breathe, chokes me to death

As continue dying every day

 

I don’t know whether our roads will meet

Or is this the kind of goodbye that lasts forever

I don’t know whether this was a dream

Or perhaps a nightmare that never wavers

There ain’t a tomorrow in this world

Just a string of yesterdays’

This is not how I imagined we would part

In the noise of silent tears

All around me people swing to the tune

As I force myself to sing the song

The charade of happiness I continue to show

‘coz this is the penance I need to do

Whatever that redeems me into your life

To suffer with the happiness of others

To suffocate with the shallow love

I will laugh like crazy and never cry

I will smile a lot and never try

Each laughter a wound that will cut me through

Each joy something that burns me from within

 

I will take my road with me far far away

Across great oceans so vast

Never will they meet tomorrow nor today

To go on and on without having to face each other

 
But before I go away, come to the meadow on the edge

To see me walk away

To know how much it hurts to be an outsider

And although you know your hurt is greater than what I feel

Know this, I carry the burden of both our lives

So even if for you I am not worthy enough to share your sadness

And I am not the person you let me believe myself to be

Know this, whoever I am I shall be the shield that hides you away from death’s eyes

 

This life has already ended and the path I must tread is longer than yours

The pain so intense and the hurt so extreme

That I wish I was dead

But I must suffer

Only to give you chance

And I would take a million of deaths like these

For you to continue to the end of your path

But I shall leave my eyes behind

To watch over you until the sun sets in

And in the darkness of the lonely night

When you would least expect

As you sleep a dreamless sleep

I will run my fingers thru your hair

I would kiss you goodnight

And you will never know

‘coz I will have to hurry back to my road

OK. Don’t let me enter your life

I will watch over you as long as I live

At the end someday you may realize

It’s me who bleeds with your pain

For just once hold onto my hand

And I would welcome such a death again…..

 

I shall make a pact with the devil

For in me, he has a soul to take

It’s the pain that defines me now

The life I live a FAKE….

THE CURSE – From the diary of a Genius

“GENIUS is a CURSE. A curse that you get born with. A curse from which you never get free. Once you come to know of it, it manifests even strongly and you can never ever get rid of it….

I am a “genius”. I do not know, whether that is something to be proud of, to be happy about or to be appalled with. All I know is that ever since I remember, I have lived my life in isolation. I have been forever alone. I have cried alone. I have been happy alone. I have been angry alone. I have experienced the joyest of all joys alone. I have experienced the saddest of all sorrows alone. I have condemned myself to a lifelong of suffering. I have shunned people and shut them out of my life. I haven’t let anyone come close and I am happy in that realization. People who think they know me better don’t yet know that they are still on the surface…. I have pulled so many masks on my face, that the real me is hidden beneath countless layers of pseudo happiness. A new face for every person I meet…a happy face….a smiley face…a face that can hide infinite pain….a face with ancient eyes pitying thyself…

I sometimes wish I was normal, with no special talents, with an ordinary life. A “one” among “millions”…..an everyday face. But, ever since I stepped in this world, I knew I was different…..different than those who surrounded me. Life was rosy at first. The world was in my tow. I had great expectations from myself….countless dreams…so many talents to nurture…an intelligence to grow…

I stood up high, looked at the sky in the eye

And promised it that someday I will fly

I will dance in the clouds and play in the sun

I will make my life full of surprises and fun

I will ride with the wind and pour with the rain

I would live a life devoid of any pain

But life doesnt always turn out to be the way we want it, does it? 

Sometimes, a genius has to make huge sacrifices, which I did…..Huge sacrifices…..I betrayed myself.  didn’t stand up for my own right. I accepted my fate. Had I the courage to fight for my identity, it would have been a different picture. But I made a wrong choice. A choice that broke me…

I became ordinary and in doing so I did the biggest crime a genius can ever commit….”Living a life much less than I deserved….”

The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settle for

– Maureen Dowd 

I kept being drawn in this vortex of sacrifices and the next thing I knew is that I had sacrificed the “real me” for the people I loved. I had accepted everything around me, clipped my wings and forced myself to forget that I had the gift of flight. I had voluntarily made myself into a common rat that runs in mazes competing blindly. I had killed the expectations I had from myself instead I had molded myself to the expectations of others. I had no will. Or maybe I had it but I never bothered about it. 

From a life of genuine smiles I descended to a death which I began to live with everyday….

In this journey of life I have met and interacted with thousands of people. Some recognized me for what I am. They do not understand why am I hiding. They know not of my troubles. They do not know the hurt I live with. They think I am a loser (which I know I am)….they think I am stupid (which I show I am, but I am not)….they are jealous of me for having such brilliant gifts yet they mock at me saying I don’t deserve them as I hide them from all…

For they do not know the tribulations I face….I wish I could make them explain…I wish I could let them know why I made some choices. I wish I could explain the psychological trauma that I live with every moment of the day. 

Then there are some who treat me like dirt…..those who think I am a spineless coward….those who think that since I couldn’t even stand up for my own rights, I wouldn’t hit them back….and I spend my life suffocating under the shadow of these people who are less than me…people rich by money and worldly pleasures but poorer in relationships and humanity. Sometimes I feel inexplicable anger towards them yet at times I pity them for what they are. ‘coz in spite of chaining my soul to a lifelong worth of prison sentence I know I still got one as opposed to them who have sold it for monetary gains.

The world is “practical” and I know its not made for dreamers like me. History has seen countless geniuses that have walked on the earth since eternity and still does now. But history hasn’t seen a million more that could have been BUT never got a chance….those who forsaked their life…those who bargained their happiness for the likes of others….

And I can’t even kill myself. Not because I’m afraid to….or a coward to do so but because I know that it’s not the answer…..that I “have” to live with those sufferings …..Sometimes the hurt is too much to move on…..the regrets weigh me down…I falter…I stumble…yet I hold my head up high knowing that some day or in some life, I will get my due…That life will someday pay me back for putting me through this…

Sometimes, I replay my life over and over again and think of all those times when I had two roads to choose and I chose one…what if I had chosen the other…..would choosing a different path brought me to a different destination or would I have wound up right here….right now…What if all my broken dreams are indeed a reality in a different time dimension…what if a different me in a different time vortex is living the dreams that I dreamt…inhaling the aroma of success….not hiding behind false masks but proudly flaunting my genius….What if I am proud to be different…that I am living a life I deserve….what if  I am truly happy somewhere in some time…

Alas, that is not my fate right here, right now…

With heavy heart, I accept…..I stumble, I steady…I hold back tears, I put on the mask….I cry rivers, I plaster a smile on my lips….I forget myself as usual and keep one face in front of my eyes….I tell myself that this isn’t for me…but for someone else….and I endure the never-ending suffering with the knowledge that morning always follows even the darkest of all nights….“

~From the diary of a Genius, Writ this day, Sunday, August 14th, in the city that made my dreams and broke them too

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

(Sometimes, no, in fact at every turn life gets difficult and more difficult. You lose focus. You lose hope. You lose yourself. You start to doubt. Your vision clouds and you begin to think that you are good for nothing. You blame your destiny. You mar your luck. You feel helpless and lose self-confidence. You feel like quitting all and going back in a cocoon to shield yourself from the real world. What you do not understand is that you have the power within yourself to fight back. This is just a test. A test to test your inner strength. A test to make you more strong. A test to awaken the potential that even you do not know exists. Quit crying at this moment. It is just a tiny moment in eternity that will cease to exist soon. A change so minute, a difference so small but with implications which will re-shape your entire life….Find yourself….Find a friend…Find a love….In a world that changes shades in every instant you are just a minuscule part of some great plan….Tears that you are shedding now…will mean nothing tomorrow….Tomorrow you will get born in an new eternity….All was and always will be TEMPORARY)

On a lonely rainy night

As I lay on my bed

Thumbing through a copy

Of some book well-read

My thoughts wander towards you

How are you meant to be 

All smiles that you cover yourself with

For others to openly see

I see you from a distance

The false masks that you wear

You may fool others easily

But I am the one who cares

You need to forget these troubles

You need a helping hand

Someone to talk to secretly

Someone who could understand

I see through your charade

I see the inward hurt

I see those unshed tears

And not the mirage that you display overt

Come one, gimme one chance

Let me be the ONE for you

Let me soothe away your pain

I could be a best friend too

Unless you let me help you

How will bring you back?

Unless you trust me

How will I get you on track?

Just stretch your hand forward

I am here to hold it for you

To guide you in this darkness

That has appeared out of blue

The light is within you

Just let me show you the way

The strength that has never left you

The power that’s never away

You are sitting in a corner

When your world is actually round

It all exists in your head

You just need to unbound

I know you have gone through a lot

A lot you sadness you have seen

I know its not easy to get back on your feet

And be as you have always been

I know the world is bad

And it will always drag you back

Throw curses at you at every turn

And let insults stack

I know you hate god at the moment

‘coz your life seems a joke

But, there is still so much more to you

That you are not trying to awoke

I know how it feels like

When life kills you every time

Treats you like an outcast

Treats you like some slime

Don’t listen to the people who taunt you

I know right now they are on top

But someday you’ll show them

That you aren’t some flop

All faith you have abandoned

All hope you have cast

But trust me, the possibilities of finding happiness

Are still so very vast

You think yourself as stupid

‘coz that’s what they make you think

They are pushing you over the edge

Driving you to the brink

But I pity those people

For what they are

I pity their shallow minds

That they have long ago barred

I pity they do not recognize

For what you really are

Naah, I don’t despise them

But, their rules I do mar

NO, you don’t have to be like them

Even now, you are so great

The ideals that you still follow

With not even an ounce of hate

Just have some bit of patience

Some memory to which you can cling

Some joy that fills your heart

A spark or some zing

OR just

Find a heart

One true heart

That will only beat for you

A friend so dear

A companion near

Who shines like morning dew

Find a love

One true love

That will always stand by your side

Your own person

Just one person

With whom your destiny is tied

You need just one person

Just one reason in your life

Just one memory to cope

For all innocence to survive

Come, look through my eyes

Tell me what you see

Yes, that wonderful person is YOU

It’s what you mean to me

Yes, just get up

And stare; blatantly at the world

Show them you can fight back

And make your flag unfurl

The candle flickers brightly

Just before it forever ends

The temptation to quit is high

At the time when trouble transcends

From the night the day is born

From the day, the night does spring

Every end carries the seed

Of the dawn of a new beginning

‘Coz all that’s always left behind

Are shadows of broken glass

No matter what this moment holds for you

Eventually this too shall pass…

FIRST SUMMER SHOWERS

She rolled lazily on her bed…..It had been a long day and a tiring one too. She thought, maybe writing about it will make her feel better. She opened her diary. She couldn’t remember the last time, she had had time to write something in it. She remembered the times when she used to write pages and pages of feelings in her diary. Gone were those days. These days she hardly had time to interact with others, let alone interacting with herself….

But today was different. She needed an outlet to give her frustration a release. She found a blank page and began writing……

FIRST SUMMER SHOWERS – 2011

“I rush through the already drenched streets… the people, the shops, the surroundings appear blurry. I can hardly make out the shapes and colors. I have only been out on the streets for 5 minutes and I am already soaking wet!

This damn rain, I exclaim. It came a week earlier than predicted. I still haven’t extracted my umbrella/raincoat from wherever it is gathering dust from past one year. I might even need some new rain-gear, I think. I bet, it will rain for a few days and stop. Then it will get more hot than usual. It has been a lousy summer. I don’t want more soaring temperatures.

How abominable! Trust, public transport to breakdown right now! Naahh….doesn’t disappoint me. Waiting for some mode of transport to reach home….Oh shucks, I will have to walk home in this downpour! Chaotic streets, water everywhere, mud puddles…ewwww.!! Oh my brand new Levis’. And hell, I paid a fortune for those shoes. My gucci bag!!!! I hope my wallet’s okay. My phone!!!! My iPod!!! Oh god, all my stuff is in mortal danger…..

Rains are such a pain in the neck!!!! Ahhh…finally I see home….Climbing the stairs ….@@@**$%…WTF…..Plunged into darkness! What the hell is this? Power-cut!!! Again??? Haven’t there been enough in the last 2 weeks???    

It has already been an hectic day at the office…..I am soaked to skin…..I am shivering like crazy….My shoes are caked in mud AND NOW, a POWER-CUT!!! Disgusting!

Oh thank god, I could atleast save my phone, my iPod, my money from this mayhem. Phheww! A sigh of relief…I need to take care of those shoes though.

I hate rains! They spell nothing but trouble! Filthy! Dirty! I could even sue them, if that were possible.

I hope I don’t get sick. I cannot afford to miss office. Way too much work, deadlines to meet, peer pressure. How will I bear the huge burden if I lose any more days??? I think I might have a nervous breakdown because of these rains.

God! How much I hate them. RAINS, GET OUT OF MY LIFE!!!!!”

                                                          

She closed the diary, still frustrated. It was such a bleak day, so damn irritating because of the rains. She had showered with hot water, put on clean clothes and lay on her bed writing this out. She neither had the energy nor the wish to talk with her family or anyone else. It was past 23:00 hours and she has a long day ahead tomorrow. Gotta sleep now….

But, sleep was eluding her. She rummaged through her cupboard and found her old diaries. These should be fun to read, she thought. She picked an old one and started flipping through the pages….

Suddenly, a vaguely familiar entry caught her eye. Hmmm…..2006…5 years ago…..Interesting…..It had the same tittle as of her entry today….amused, she began reading…..

FIRST SUMMER SHOWERS – 2006

“I giggled as I sprinted across the streets. All seemed blurry as if my eyes exuded water. Yet, all was colorful. I could make out shapes of people & brightly lit shops. And sooooooooo much green. It seemed like paradise. I glanced at the people rushing around me….eager to get away from the rains…cursing it, fleeing away from it. No way, I could EVER do that! Ha! My laughter, mocked at their stupidity. Oh come on, how can you be so stupid to run away from rains??? The weather’s so cool. Yippee.

I jumped from one puddle to another. This was so much fun.

Trains late? No problem….I get more time to spend with these first showers of the month!

No transport to get home? No problem….Good excuse to give to Mom if she asks why am I so wet!

I don’t care. These are the first showers! For 3 long months, the heat has taunted us, teased us, made us go crazy, kept us sweltering and TODAY, finally, it’s giving us the much needed relief.

I reach home jumping with enthusiasm. Power-cut, Mom says. Oh boy, this will be fun. Fun to eat dinner in candle light. My clothes are so wet, they are sticking to my body. My bag’s a mess. My phone’s working atleast. And the money? Well, I have hardly more than 100 bucks. These will dry out in the sun tomorrow. No harm done. 

Happily, I eat my dinner. I go in my room and sit near the window staring out. I have a book in my lap and a flashlight in one hand. Mom will kill me if she sees me reading like this. But, this is so cool.                                                                                                                                                I sit by the open window….listening to the soft sound of the rain…..it has become a light drizzle now….I smell the pleasant fragrance of the wet mud…wow…I just love rains….”    

She let the diary fall from her hands. It was getting wet. Wet with the tears that cascaded down her cheeks. The sheer joy and innocence of a time not so long ago was being washed away by the tears of frustration that had accumulated in the last few years. She buried her face in her hands and wept. She couldn’t believe that once, she was this innocent girl. A girl who found joy in all little things in life. A girl who “lived” and not just “existed”. A girl who cared more about feelings and emotions rather than gadgets and clothes and money and all material things. She didn’t seem to understand as to how she had come to this point her life.

Dhhhhadammmm…..It thundered. Startled she peered through the window. It was still raining heavily. Probably more heavily than before. She reached out to see, whether the window was securely locked and then suddenly thought….what if…? What if, were this window open? It would flood the room. It would douche my stuff. It would make a mess. Should I (open it), she thought. I am wearing fresh clothes now and how can I afford to get sick, she reasoned. There is so much to do tomorrow, I should probably sleep, she concluded. 

As she turned around, she once again caught sight of the diary still laying on the floor….displaying that old slightly smudged from the tears, entry, made 5 years ago.

Laughing knowingly, she threw the window open and stretched out her arms in a welcoming gesture. As the pure rain drops splashed across her face drenching her, you could see the slight smile forming on her lips. 

As the rain seeped through her clothes into her heart, she felt a genuine calm spreading through her entire body. An eternal bliss embracing her…..peace…..tranquil peace…..Her smile widened as she softly muttered to herself…”I love you Rains…Welcome Back….”