REGRET

He sits by the table, his back to the window staring at the solitary candle flickering with the gentle cool breeze. The wall in front of him is bare, illuminated with the dim light of the candle and a canvas for strange shadows dancing on it. He gets up and walks to the window and peers into the darkness outside. The storm has subsided, he can hear only the the gentle pitter-patter of the rain now. The wind has died down and all is quiet except for the distant howling of the dogs. But it doesn’t looks like the electricity is going to be restored soon. I don’t think anyone bothers about it. It is a small suburb on the outskirts of a major city, quaint and dull. The townsfolk themselves are used to be being ignored at all times. It is OK for him though. He likes the anonymity this town offers. Here he doesn’t have to pull any masks over his face. He is content, living in this one-storey small bungalow surrounded by hills and trees. And anyways, he is here for a specific purpose which he intends to fulfill tonight.

He looks back and glances at the room. There is a a huge bed on one side, a dresser with a full length mirror and a writing table with a chair at the opposite end. The walls are bare. It is a strictly impersonal room with no sign of an individual attached to it. He presses his back against the window and gets lost in watching the flickering flame of the candle again. Beside it, there is a piece of paper and a pen, a small clock reading 22:30 in green color, a glass of water and a bottle of sleeping pills. 

He is snapped back into reality with a flash of lightening. The rain is gaining momentum again. It is going to be a long night. Long and wet. The drizzle has changed to a full-fledged downpour within seconds. He hastily closes the window and walks back to the chair. Sitting on it, he rests his elbow on the arm of the chair and supports his head. The cell phone in his right-hand pocket starts buzzing incessantly. He watches the name splashed across the screen and ignores it. Finally when the phone stops ringing, he checks the notifications – 6 missed calls, 11 messages! He doesn’t want to talk to anybody right now – no friends, no family. He has come here to get away from all. He wants to be alone. He needs to be alone. 

Completely bored and utterly unsure of what to do next, he begins to skim through his phone’s photo gallery. A sad smile spreads on his face as he looks fondly at those memories. Lost amidst those scores of pictures, he suddenly finds the one he wanted to avoid. It’s her! He is confused. He had thought that he deleted every single one of her pics. But apparently, this escaped attention. It is a group photo with her at the corner, hand carelessly draped over his shoulder. He feels a sudden surge of pain in his heart and his body goes rigid. And then the tears come. He quietly buries his head in his hands and weeps silently. After what seems like hours, he looks up; wipes the un-dried tears with the back of his hand and leans backwards. He closes his eyes and gets lost in that beautiful memory that once…..was his life!

She giggles and shakes her head. Her long raven hair cascading down her shoulders shining in the pleasant winter sunlight. Her eyes, large and brown like a doe twinkling with mischief, always amused, always curious. Her laughter like a warm spring breeze. She is small and lovely, incredibly cute. Not beautiful, not gorgeous, not sexy but there is something undeniably attractive about her. It’s like- all the sweet and innocent things of the world are wrapped up in that tiny frame. 

He jerks back into reality, half-expecting her to run her hands through his hair, half-expecting to melt in her arms, half-expecting her to kiss him with her soft lips. But it is over! There is no hope left. It’s been over a year and he still cannot forget those times. The past comes haunting him. He can’t concentrate and just can’t bear to go on living in such a dismal way. Nothing has gone right since the day she……nothing…..agghhhh…he lets out a sigh of frustration….and tears at his hair. He is sure he is going to go crazy. The sleeping pills- they are his only option right now! He wants to welcome death, get rid of this everyday despair. 

One word – REGRET! We all face it; every moment of the day. Regret for so many things- for a lost love, a lost hope, a lost cause, a lost opportunity, a lost life….

It is a long journey this life, a long road of trials and tribulations with joys and happiness only sprinkled around. Achieving those smiles is not easy too, we have to work at it. Always faced with numerous choices, we find ourselves constantly debating about which path to take. And it seems like everything around us is against us. We hate more than we love and that we love, we don’t keep. We make mistakes, repeat them and end up completely disoriented and dis-illusioned about life. Some- continue to battle on with a broken spirit while Others succumb and finally give up!

He uncorks the bottle and empties it in his right palm. He picks up the glass of water in the other and screams at the top of his lungs. He is babbling incoherently now like a madman, a glazy look in his eyes. Thats it! Now is the time! He gobbles the pills in one swift motion and gulps the entire contents of the glass. The panic has passed now as he silently eases back. The candle is in the dying stages now. The light has gone even dimmer. He is feeling sleepy now but quite tranquil and at peace. There will be repercussions of this act but in some other reality; not here, not now. For now, there is just serenity around. The last thing he sees as he closes his eyes is the piece of paper fluttering on the desk. There is a single sentence written right in the middle of it – I don’t regret my life, I regret the way I lived it… 

And the candle suddenly burns bright and goes off to plunge its surrounding into an impenetrable darkness. What life didn’t do, death does- it embraces the body of that young man as he slowly sinks into oblivion….

NEVER LET THEM DIE

(Dreams – Only being on the brink of fulfilling one, isn’t enough! They must be nurtured & allowed to grow, they must be fed & watered to give a meaning to life. It is a constant struggle to achieve them, and there will be so many to spoil the party. People who aren’t gracious enough to accept your genius, insecure ones who  will try everything to watch you fail miserably. Fight them. Fight for what you believe in. Dreams do come true, so make an effort to turn them into something so beautiful that the world takes notice & gives your talent the respect it deserves…)

 

She sits by the window sill, staring into the space

A turmoil raging inside her, shadowed by the calmness of her face

She gathers all her wits with might, to allow herself a smile

A true genuine happiness, that had been missing for a while.

A dream she thought was impossible, an unbelievable wish, you see

Of a door she locked long ago and threw away the key

 

In an desperate attempt to fit in, she had compromised her life

Resigned to a monotony of usual existence & an everyday stressful strife

But, struggle molded her to the strong person what she is now

The hard-work all paid off, she still doesn’t know how

 

She knows not now a care in the world

Her life has just begun

Expectations that will soon dwarf even the moon & the sun

Laughter & smiles & everything nice, no tears left to cry

With new hope & new life, she will soon give a confident try

 

Though still with melancholy does sorrow shades her face

When people shatter her dreams & forgo all the grace

True smiles are pretty few & indifference plenty to show

How she doesn’t deserve the honor that life did bestow

 

She longs for for words of encouragement & lots of love and hope

Instead, aloofness & uncertainty is with what she is left to cope

With low self-esteem & still carrying, a burden of frustration inside

The gap between her confidence & beliefs, keeps on growing wide

Discouraged & disturbed, the stress builds up on her mind

So much that she sometimes wishes, to put life on rewind

 

Whats scary is  that she longs for, the usual normal ways

Long, boring, dull & stupid, yesteryear days

An uncharacteristic existence, of rats running through a maze

To be one among millions & drown in the common daze.

Whats scary is that she almost wishes

to settle for much less than she deserves

Her talents long forgotten.

Her genius in reserves…

 

Just standing at an open door of opportunity, is not going to get her far

Now the real fight begins, when she battles with the hour

Endures all discouragement & still manages to hold her hope

Secure all her ambitions tightly, with a sturdy rope

 

True genius doesn’t hide, it rises against all will

Even when cynical predators, move in to make their kill

With self-doubt cast aside, she accepts her uncertain fate

To stick to what is right & bide time to patiently wait

 

She gathers strength in her tiny limbs

And prepares for the final flight

Even when they tie her legs

And set her wings alight

She just soars straight high

To burn the never-ending sky

To not give up & believe in her dreams

AND NEVER LET THEM DIE!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Letting God go – A fan’s heartfelt letter

My Dear Sachin,

They say, people rise and people fall but life goes on. That everything in life is temporary – all failures & even the successes. No man can remain on top forever; fame has its price; even life has an expiry date. Everything begun knows an end. The star that shines brighter even than the brightest of sun’s rays; slowly sinks into oblivion some day. The bright that pierces darkness, gets engulfed by it eventually. There comes a time, when you have to let go of all that you once held close.

The love for cricket, I first developed at a very young age refuses to go away. It’s still very much there & it’s more like a drug now that gets me on high! And, I am not even a player! I cannot even begin to understand, how difficult it must be for you to let go of something which has made you what you are today – a legend. Somebody told me once that if there is something in your life that makes you happy, you should fight to keep it in your life forever. Pure unadulterated joy is so rare and in this fake world, what struggle we go through to keep the one thing attached to us that brightens our life.

People hellbent on your retirement have probably forgotten one thing – that it is eventual! You have been playing for over 20 years and that is not natural. People are afraid of such things. They think it’s not healthy in the interests of young generation that you have “blocked” one spot on the team. Deep down, insecure in their own worlds, they find themselves  in fear of your achievements. But, they still forget – it’s eventual! As a die-hard fan, I, definitely don’t want you to leave. But, I know I have to let go. And the time is near, so near that I get this unsettling feeling every time India plays.

Every player, be it a legend or a rookie has to retire someday. And, no, it’s not easy for any of them. It’s like making a truce with your body and finally calling it a day. But, your retirement has become more of a national issue. Everybody wants to have a say. People who barely understand the game, are protesting vehemently over your place in the team.

It doesn’t feel that we are just letting you go; more than that, it feels as if we are letting go of an era. An era that was imprinted in our minds by players who built the 1990s; and even the early 2000s. We have said goodbye to almost all of those gems. You are like a final link that still tugs on our memories of those days.

I was 11-12, when I first fell in love with you, nearly 15 years ago. “Retirement” and “Sachin”, were never synonymous words, then. I thought, by the time I grow old enough to see you go, I would have fallen out of love; cricket would be just a time-pass thing. While that has been the case for most of my friends, it doesn’t describe me! I have went ahead and fallen so madly in love with every great player and more so with the game that it’s difficult to imagine life without any of this.

Ricky Ponting will say goodbye in a couple of days time and it is sad to let him go too. I have not been a huge Ponting fan but I cannot deny the treat I got every time I watched him play; his flawless technique & his brilliant captaincy that really took Australia to the very top and remain there for as long as anyone could remember; that made them invincible for a really long time.

Such a fine player and what does it happen when he announces retirement? Here in India, where we cover even US elections, in all their glory; we got to see a 30 min news segment on Ponting followed by 30 hours of debate on why it’s time for Sachin to retire! It’s so pathetic, it’s funny!

Just a couple of mornings back, I saw this huge debate on a popular news channel – “Should Shahrukh & Sachin retire?” I mean, what the heck? At 7 a.m. in the morning, five distinguished looking gentlemen who had nothing to do with cricket or even the film industry, for that matter, were discussing how you and Shahrukh are both a burden now in your respective fields for having remained there so long. Wow, I mean, I have better ways to spend my mornings than barking over things that do not directly concern me. And, what does Shahrukh has to do with you? At least, he looks his age, you don’t!

Jokes apart! Why should anyone, who does not even know cricket or films that well, has the right to poke his/her nose in a someone elses’ personal quest. Doesn’t it sound ridiculous?

I know you have not performed and people asking questions are justified. As a fan, even I have waited quite a long time for you to click. It hurts not to see you performing and seeing you as a mere shadow of a player you were once. But, deep in my heart, every single time, you come on the field, I pray so diligently for a 100. Even when you don’t get it, when you whip the ball straight into the ropes, it seems like Diwali & Christmas all rolled into one. After all these years, it’s still magical.

People who are pressing you to turn your bat in, do not know the void that will be created thereafter. Every person I know, is ready to quote the scores of your last 10 innings & mock your genius. Sachin is getting bowled so many times, he has lost his touch! When Dravid got bowled so many times in Australia, they said the Wall had holes! He was made fun of, very mercilessly so. But,  few months later when he announced retirement, suddenly, no body wanted him to go!

So, if it is about scores, why talk about the last 10 innings. Why not talk about 90 innings previous to that? Why stop at last 90, why not go beyond that? I am no clairvoyant and I don’t know whether you will play in Kolkata test or the Nagpur one. But, whatever the outcome, it won’t stop me believing in you!

When you walk off the field, one last time, into the sunset; not only will you leave behind broken hearts but also unforgettable memories. An era will end, a legend will cease. Will the world stop turning? Will the earth die? Perhaps not.

Because for every fan, whose life you touched, you will leave behind a legacy. A legacy of humility, of strength of character, of sheer genius, of hard-work, of always giving your best, of never quitting, of battling inner & outer demons, above all of being you!

Everybody grows old and has to stop at some point. When your body sends out that message, how much ever agile or swift your mind may be, you have to pause slowly and then stop.

If you ask me what things make me happy? Let me tell you, there are very few and one of them, is YOU! And the other is something that you gifted me unknowingly – the love for cricket! Am I letting go either of them? Probably not! I am mature enough to understand, your era nears the end but cricket will remain!

I am no cricket pundit but I say, once again, that your retirement is eventual. So, why sit on your head and hammer into your brain that you are no good. Why not enjoy these remaining days and celebrate your every inning? Why not be happy in these little things instead of pondering over serious issues? Why not clap gleefully on your every boundary and sixer? Why not be a 90s kid again & rejoice in your glory?

Or lets just be hopeful & wait for December 21, 2012; when the world will end and shut those fools up!

 

With lots of admiration, respect, awe & love,

A fan who owes you too much

A Goodbye That Lasts Forever…

(Some Goodbyes last forever. We only do not know this soon. We just continue hoping for things that will never happen, dreaming dreams that only have the potential to remain as dreams. Reality is much harder and it hits even bad. All that you hoped for, wished for, can crashing down around you in an instant. It’s only a matter of time before you are forced to say goodbye to the one person you thought would never leave you…..)

What could be worse than this

I always used to wonder so

Life could be much more pain

I just however did not know

As long as hope lived

As long as the day came

As long as his voice was there

As long as he remained

I had not a care in this world

I had this crazy belief

Everything would be alright

It’s only a matter of time

There would, soon be relief

But slowly the brightness consumes

The day that never ends

There is no tomorrow here

A way to meet these ends

The finality of today

Is hitting hard just now

The camouflage that hid this despair

Is falling apart right now

And it’s a goodbye, a goodbye

One final farewell to him

And it’s a goodbye, a goodbye

One final farewell to us

It’s dying, it’s dying

The beautiful dream is dying

Quit trying, quit trying

I’m soon gonna quit trying

A Goodbye that lasts forever

With no hope of amend

A Goodbye that stretches forever

With shattered soul that won’t mend

You build these castles in the air

They sit atop a lonely cloud

Ans as the sky clears around

They tumble for crying out loud

I can’t remember the tone of his voice

I can’t remember the memories

I can’t remember his thoughts & words

I can’t remember when to cease

I can’t even say kill me

‘coz everyday I die anyways

I look for a way out

As i run blindly thru’ this maze

Does my life have a meaning?

Now that I don’t cross your path

Does my living has a reason?

A flame for every moth

If Love hasn’t hurt you yet

You are probably doing it wrong

Deep inside every heart

There resides a broken song

So goodbye, goodbye

A final farewell to you

Goodbye, goodbye forever

The sorrow beckons anew

This is the goodbye that will last forever

With absolutely no hope of amend

This is the goodbye that will stretch forever

With a shattered soul

With a shattered dream

With a shattered heart

With a shattered goal

….that will not ever mend

…that will not ever mend

No Heroes or Villains, Only Mortal Men cloaked in Grey…

I sit with “It’s not about the bike” in my right hand, with my left one wrapped tightly over a recently read copy of “Every second counts”. I frown as I keep turning both the books and see the man on both covers; he is smiling. I am not.

I sit thinking, deeply disturbed about the USADA’s decision to strip Lance Armstrong (follow @lancearmstrong) of his 7 Tour de France titles and ban him for life. And why shouldn’t it be disturbing? It’s not easy seeing the man you admire caught up in a controversy that embarrassing. It breaks my heart. This is not how I want to see my hero – frustrated, tired & finally giving up without a fight! He refused to give in to cancer, then why the hell is he refusing to fight now? Some, feel for him. Others think, his refusal to contest against the USADA’s decision is a testimony of his guilt. By now, in 2 days, you might have seen several of these stories doing rounds. The world is understandably divided. Fans are supporting him, critics are demeaning him while others on the sideline are just going with the flow. I don’t know whether Lance Armstrong is guilty or not. It’s a question that will be best answered by him. People might speculate a thousand things but in the end what we feel for him in our hearts is not going to change. Can you erase the memories of all the times he won those titles? Can you erase those smiles he put on peoples’ faces? Can you erase every word you read from his books? And can you forget what his foundation Livestrong represents?

This isn’t a stigma on a normal sportsperson. It is a stigma on a hero, on the sport and above all on the rosy picture we create around ourselves. So, suddenly, is Lance Armstrong the villain now? The cheat, The bad egg, The liar?

You have seen this cricket’s bad boy number of times. But as all bad boys, there is something irresistibly sexy about him – the tattooed arms, lean body, messy haircut and smoldering hot attitude. And although he would not be the guy you would normally like to bring home to meet your parents; he certainly is the one for late night bike rides. Kevin Pietersen (follow @kevinpp4) is all that and much more. Lately, he has been under a lot of flak from the ECB, team-mates, coaches for sending smses to his South African counterparts. Makes you wonder, since when did sending smses became such an unpardonable crime.

2011 was the year of the English cricket team. They created records, topped rankings, won cups and Pietersen had a large role to play in England’s rise. In the recent series against South Africa, England lost and had to give up their “No.1 team” title. However, that didn’t discourage them from sending KP packing off in wake of the final test. England lost, as expected. The one dayers’ also are not their best bet. South Africa just have to win one match to topple the rankings once more. And so they will, as expected. And although, England does have a lot of quality players in their side, it will be a miracle if they are able to defend the T20 Championship title next month.

Some say, KP’s career is over. Some say, he still has an outside chance. Some say, the ECB will keep him out of the team long enough to teach him a lesson & then take him back. But, who is an expert on the English pride? KP did make a sincere video apologizing for his behavior. But, bad boys never look the part of a “meek apologizer”. Who would expect that of them? For the authoritarian English people, this certainly must have sounded hollow & phony. It is difficult being a bad boy!

From purely cricketing point-of-view, keeping all the moralities aside, you would be a fool if you don’t admit the fact that when you have seen Mr. Kevin Pietersen batting, you have seen one of the best batsmen batting on the current international scene. As a fan, this fiasco deeply saddens me again. There will always be this looming dread that we might never see KP bat again for England. (Thanking IPL at this point). KP’s switch-hit – it became a rage earlier this year in IPL, KP’s sixes – something to die for, KP’s effortless batting – a treat to watch. The way he carries his 6 foot 4 inches frame, proudly flaunting his biceps, that cool look on his face, that cocky ‘too-sure’ attitude suits him perfectly right down to the confident swagger of his walk. You never want to be on the opposite team when KP’s batting. You just want to gaze from afar and be mesmerized. A hero or a villain? A hooligan, you say…

Two larger than life Heroes. People I have looked up to. For different reasons, yet for the same purpose – inspiration!

Even if you keep the cancer part apart, Lance Armstrong’s story in itself is a perfect storybook material. An ordinary boy with extra-ordinary talent went on to win 7 Tour de France titles and became the master of cycling. You come across thousands of such examples. People from a humble background making it big on the basis of their unquestionable determination and talent.

Now add to it the fact that, here was a guy who got testicular cancer that had metastasized to his brain & lungs at the young age of 25, he fought it, emerged victorious, came back to race again and win Tour de France. With this, the story has the making of an international bestseller. It is a story that makes you cry, that makes you smile, a story that tells you hope’s never lost. A story that gets etched on you brain and on your heart without any extra effort.

Cancer is not only a disease, it is also a curse. A curse so profound that it drags the person suffering from it to the depths of hell, while still alive. A curse so profound, that it condemns not only the unfortunate person, but also his or her loved ones as well. Cancer attacks one person, but destroys families! Still, many people fight it and survive. But Lance Armstrong was your no ordinary survivor, he was a ‘winner’ – through & through. His foundation – Livestrong today inspires and uplifts so many cancer affected people. In him, we found a hero who was much worthy of genuine accolades & love than the mere on-screen ones.

KP’s story still does not have a concrete ending. It is left to hang in uncertainly, poised in between unsure & undecided. A South African who felt intimidated by the quota system back home, migrated to England and earned a place in the national squad. Relinquished captaincy for a short while, faced critics audaciously, yet never compromised his game. Who cares if KP is not a team player? Who cares what he is as a person? One thing is true, what he is – is right there out in the front. No pretenses! He doesn’t wear those fake masks. Do you believe every other person in the English dressing room is a saint of magnanimous proportions? Or for that matter – are all players currently playing the game, crusaders of kindness, virtue & morality?

There are so many good players all over the world today. But, KP is something that only a few of them are – Entertaining!!! His batting can best be summed up as hypnotizing. OK, so we don’t have a hero with the best attitude in the world but we do have one with an attractive reckless streak.

The problem with us is that we always have believed that world could be divided into good and bad, right and wrong, yes and no. We, who are swathed into blankets of everyday frustrations search for heroic figures to look up to. Pure genius they say is something bestowed upon few. God might be generous in squandering talent around but when it comes to giving the brains & a hardworking will to utilize those talents, God is cruelly stingy. So, some of us, who are the unlucky lot look up to the one’s in the lucky lot.

Ever since humanity came into existence, it has taken upon ‘worship’ as it’s ultimate redemption tool. Any person, however conceited needs an idol to look up to. A seemingly perfect figure that serves as a benchmark for attesting self-achievements. A revelation, a motivation, an influence.

But, blind are we to the faults of the ones we deem as great. We do not realize that these people are mortals like us, living breathing mortals who drink & eat to live. When I wrote, Heroes are People too 3 years back, I expressed similar sentiments regarding the unusual predicament common people always find themselves in.

Heroes are people with their own past – none too different from your own. A past; that has regrets, embarrassing situations, mistakes, lies and secrets.

I have a friend who is allergic to eggs. Now you know as a general fact, that eggs are a rich source of proteins. Doctors, health professionals will recommend it as a part of our daily diet. Yet, if a person allergic to them happens to ingest some, they could be life-threatening. Are the eggs bad then???

How do we decide what’s good or bad? Based on the age-old moral values that we have been following all life? How do we know for a fact what is true and what is false? What is right or what is wrong?

Should we condemn Lance Armstrong now if tomorrow he admits his guilt? Should we abhor KP, just because he isn’t a team player?

Will we ever realize that people cannot be divided as Heroes or Villains? Will we ever realize that we cannot categorize every person between two extremes of black or white?

Will we ever realize that the best of men, famous or infamous, are always cloaked in subtle shades of grey…

 

 

(This is a personal account with no intention of causing harm. It is my view on two people that I greatly respect & like. For further insight into my life, I can be followed on twitter here @pillya)

ALIVE

(Sometimes there is no reason for existence, no reason to thrive, absolutely no reason to survive and in the journey towards death, living until the end – a challenge that seems impossible)

She and her indifferent ways

Ways I cannot fathom, neither can others

Others they point fingers, laugh at her

And she laughs back at them

Not a flicker of pain passes over her face

Her hurts are buried deep within layers of inscrutability

I am puzzled by her behavior

For she is carrying upon herself, an unquestionable burden

An unnecessary encumbrance

No, she is not a celebrity

Not someone even remotely famous

Perhaps, she is very ordinary

Perhaps, she is a nobody

A self-proclaimed martyr

I don’t think she is meant for others to understand

She will go away from this world as easily and effortlessly she came into

Thousands won’t mourn her death

But she will leave a void in lives of some people that will never be filled

Yet she has a sole purpose

To guide me forward

No, she is not a philosopher

I do not learn the mysteries of universe from her

But she keeps me sane

She makes me believe

Makes me believe in a bigger picture

A better future

As I navigate through an uncertain present

She shows me the unearthed good in the past I buried long ago

When I cry, when I hurt; She doesn’t wipe my tears

She amplifies my endurance

When all seems lost & the ground I walk on trembles

She becomes the crutches that help me to stand

When I jump from a cliff, she doesn’t catch me

Instead gives me wings so that I can navigate my own flight

When I am drowning, she is not the ship that rescues me

Instead she teaches me to swim against the tide

Deep down I know she is my wellwisher

Though usually I never fathom her ways

She is not the answer to my every question

Instead she creates more questions than I can answer

Yet she makes me who I am

Yet she holds me up when I am down

;

People call her a bitch, so do I

People call her difficult, so do I

People call her strange, so do I

And all those tags are justified

When I see my closed ones suffering

When I cannot salvage any hope

When I am sick and tired, wounded and hurt

When I am carrying the burden of broken relationships

When I am too afraid to trust & too scared to move forward

Then in all fairness, She becomes UNFAIR

She still smiles at me

Mocks at my innonence

And though she longs to hug me & say its alright

At difficult times, even she is the servant of circumstance

But sometimes, She is lovely

Fresh as the spring breeze

Warm as the summer sun

Pure as the snowy white

And pleasant as the drizzling rain

And so…

People call her sweet, so do I

People call her love, so do I

People call her a blessing, so do I

And all those tags are justified

When laughter surrounds my near & dear

When the one I love makes my day

When friends are my biggest strength

When genuine smiles are not far away

In a world, in which, every single day

I make efforts & efforts to SURVIVE

The more you obtain, only when you learn to GIVE

As I struggle everyday just to THRIVE

She shows me what’s it to LIVE

WHO IS SHE?

She is ME

She is WE

She is MY BODY, MY SOUL

She is a PART

She is a PIECE

She is a HALF

Even the WHOLE

She is EVERY BREATH I TAKE

Every IMPULSE I GENERATE

And Every feeling that I STOLE

You know who she is

Yet you deny

‘coz your innocence evaporated

With the youth

You surround yourselves with lies & deception

And move farther away from the truth

Her going away is not in her hands either

And she is scared for us, you know

When we fail to appreciate the little things

And just give up & don’t grow

She is afraid that she will have to leave early

Even before she makes you understand

And alone, you will get stranded in the darkness

Sinking helplessly in the quicksand

Embrace her before it’s too late

‘coz trust me, even animals SURVIVE

But it takes lot of courage

To break the chains

And admit that you are ALIVE

With joys & happiness in PLENTY

And sorrows that are RIFE

She is that invisible GOD

For she is…………….LIFE

A NEW YEAR’S BEGINNING

(Never say “This can’t happen to me”, ‘coz Life has a funny way of proving us right. We begin the New Year with lots of positive energy and enthusiasm but as the year grows old we succumb to its everyday frustrations & squabbles. We fall prey to the constant depressions and the year we thought to be great, turns out a disaster. Truth is, at any given point of our lives, we are capable of making the required changes & live our lives to the fullest…a change in the day or month or even a year does not make a difference. But, man is so psychologically dependent on external factors that a move like this is justifiable in situations when we are trying to embark on a new beginning…when we are willing to accept change and also willing to make it. When we are willing to overlook the hurts & pains of all yesterdays and willing to face life with all its troubles. When minor wounds don’t matter and the biggest blows just test the level of our endurance….when death is nothing to be afraid of  and life, a dream to live……)

 

I stand in front of the mirror

And see what only I can see

Me, covered with bruises & burns

And wounds that were meant to be

I have been pushed & kicked…stoned & hurt

Yet I try to stand my way

As I support unsteadily my broken body

I know I will be okay

Those are the hurts I suffered for long

Those disappointments that left me sad

The pain that ripped open my heart

Those moments that brought out my bad

And although the moments of happiness are scarce

A smile gets inscribed on my lips

As I count the days of true love & care

They barely cover my fingertips

Our memory is such a fickle friend

It makes us remember the things we’d rather miss

It forces us to see our failings o many

The hell’s poison & the death’s kiss

Yet I am amazed, how I survived the past year

Where from the hell this strength I got?

Why didn’t my trust rot?

Why hope my heart does crave?

Why is it that I only emerged stronger?

How could I be so brave?

How could I have survived this longer?

On the night of the last day of the year

I came to terms with this life

The year that broke me down

The incidents that left me shaken

And the people who made me frown

The love that I lost & never regained

The relationships that I killed

The opportunities I let go off so easily

And never did as I willed

Acceptance is the first step towards freedom they say

As I accept my fate as it is

Forgiveness of thyself is the first right they say

As i forgive myself as it is

The more I accept; the more I forgive

I can see the wounds healing

The bruises slowly vanish away

The scars keep disappearing

My body is regaining its lost vigor

The burns get cold

My innocence takes a steady hold

And as the new year kicks in the trigger

With hope I stare right at the sun

With faith I leap off this train

Chuck all the old baggage of the past

I leave it behind with disdain

I know not what tears will the new year hold

How much more can I contain?

I know not how can my heart patch up

How much more my efforts shall go in vain?

Could I ever hope for true joy?

For someone to unconditionally love

For being the reason for someone’s smile

A relation formed in heavens above

For a day without tension

For dreams to become real

For helping hand to offer

A world so surreal

Yet I don’t have a choice

But to move on

To lead or to follow

Till my time comes

For a single purpose I will to live

To fall & falter

To stumble & to gather

For a single purpose I will to live

I stand in front of the  mirror again

With a clear face & strong body

Is this the person I once knew I think

Or was it else somebody?

And as the new year progresses

This body will get old to see

The strength will seem to be weak

A reflection of broken me

When the first bruise appears

And splits open my heart real bad

As I bleed like crazy

And the blood soaks my skin & bones

My vision turns sad n sad

In a not-so-distant future

When I shall stand like this

To welcome another year

I hope I will have fewer regrets

And few disappointments to bear

The tears would be of happiness

 Of a year that was well spent

Of so much promise for life to come

Of memories that came & went

So hit me life

With all that you have got

I will fight u

Till my last breath

In the setting sun

I will replenish

As with open arms

I welcome death

SOME STRENGTH, SOME HOPE

 

 

(What is the night which symbolically means darkness and emptiness is actually the closest ally you could ever get and its the day that turns your enemy. What if, in the light you are misled and broken down and in the darkness you patch up. What if, its the bright that damns your life and the black that empowers you to move on???……

One of the greatest lessons in Life I have learned is that, there are some circumstances way beyond our control and although we would like to avoid them, they hit us just as badly no matter what. How much ever you pray or beg God to change things, the destiny that you have set out to fulfill shall not see a change….instead ask for strength…’coz in the end when all fails and each man journeys into the abyss, its ONLY the inner strength that shall keep on going…..)

 

As the darkness comes to close in

And the night draws near

I dream the dream to rock me to sleep

I let the dream sink in

After a long day of pain & sorrow

And before comes the inevitable tomorrow

I want this few hours of bliss

A hug of faith n a warm kiss

‘coz tomorrow again, the pain will rush in

And I shall be thrown out into the crowd

When each passing moment will be worse than death

When melancholy sunrise will greet me

I shall patch my soul the best I could

And move on carrying this burden…

I know I cannot change circumstance

The troubles now in an insolent dance

In middle of the day, the tears shall come

The unbearable heat of the glaring sun

My resolve will weaken as the eve will dawn

New hardships with each minute shall be born

And though I know you will always be there

Maybe not physically but in thoughts to care

My burden you will indeed share

My sorrow you will indeed bear

But the pain slices open my heart

It’s still my hurt to embrace

Although you will be my constant support

Those scattered thoughts I alone need to face

Towards the end of the day I will weaken

The beacon of light will go thin

And I ask not for my troubles to get erased

I just ask for some strength and hope

In the dying faith that held me together so long

I ask for some courage to cope.

They will descend on me like a pack of wolves

They will kick me and curse and hurt me bad

They will hold me responsible for nothing that I did

On me they shall continue getting mad

I will beg in front of them and cry

I shall shout and repeatedly ask why

I will get angry & vow to hurt them so

I will break the promises I made long ago

Yet all this is temporary, I know what I have to do

To continue on this broken path

The journey so long

The road so difficult

The untuned mistimed deadened song

To what level shall he test my endurance

To what extent shall he make me suffer

To what level shall he question my faith

Till survival gets tougher & tougher

Slowly the long day shall end

And the night from shadows shall descend

The darkness will be more welcome than the light

‘coz it will bring freedom to hide

In it shall I dream the dream

Of a much better future and a life

Something to cling on for a few hours of bliss

The broken promises I come to miss

But I know in minutes this night too shall end

And with the day, I shall bow down and bend

Till then let me gather the energy

Let me prepare my self for the dying hour

It’s the day that terrifies me, and chokes me dead

The colors blind me & leave tears to shed

The arrival of the morning soft & slow

The light that engulfs comes with the flow

The nature that will illuminate

An air tight cocoon of hate

As the first ray of sun hits my face

All I ask is for some strength and hope

The blackness slowly delivers me into light

As all I ask is some courage to cope…..

CROSSROADS

Here we stand as silent can be

At the crossroads of our lives

If silence is the goodbye we deserve

In silence shall we walk away

A different path awaits you

A different path I am forced to choose

And although, it’s with you that I would rather be

I walk away beyond the hill

 
I wish I could walk behind you

To support you on your road

And when I couldn’t save you from your fall

To fall with you & stumble my way ahead

It’s at time like these that I feel like a stranger

When I am driven out of our life

Like an outsider I warily watch

But I am not allowed to sneak in

 
Why am I not the person I thought myself to be?

Why am I an alien in my own life?

Why is the perfect world that I built;

Just a pack of dirty lies?

 
I believed I was your soulmate, who with you binds this life

The bearer of your sorrows

The multiplier of your joys

Isn’t it funny that I am the FIRST person with whom you always shared your joys

But somehow I am the LAST one to know when sorrow hazily clouds your eyes

 
And here I thought, I am your other half

To hold your hand and fight the world

To soothe your hurt and to pat your back

To look into your eyes and say, I am with you no matter what

 

A thousand joys of you I could miss

But I am not allowed in your troubles and it hurts to bad

Loneliness is a bitch they say

Now I know why

As I drag your burden along with me

In the darkness of the night I cry

 
The life that I live is one big mess

The food that I eat, tasteless

The air that I breathe, chokes me to death

As continue dying every day

 

I don’t know whether our roads will meet

Or is this the kind of goodbye that lasts forever

I don’t know whether this was a dream

Or perhaps a nightmare that never wavers

There ain’t a tomorrow in this world

Just a string of yesterdays’

This is not how I imagined we would part

In the noise of silent tears

All around me people swing to the tune

As I force myself to sing the song

The charade of happiness I continue to show

‘coz this is the penance I need to do

Whatever that redeems me into your life

To suffer with the happiness of others

To suffocate with the shallow love

I will laugh like crazy and never cry

I will smile a lot and never try

Each laughter a wound that will cut me through

Each joy something that burns me from within

 

I will take my road with me far far away

Across great oceans so vast

Never will they meet tomorrow nor today

To go on and on without having to face each other

 
But before I go away, come to the meadow on the edge

To see me walk away

To know how much it hurts to be an outsider

And although you know your hurt is greater than what I feel

Know this, I carry the burden of both our lives

So even if for you I am not worthy enough to share your sadness

And I am not the person you let me believe myself to be

Know this, whoever I am I shall be the shield that hides you away from death’s eyes

 

This life has already ended and the path I must tread is longer than yours

The pain so intense and the hurt so extreme

That I wish I was dead

But I must suffer

Only to give you chance

And I would take a million of deaths like these

For you to continue to the end of your path

But I shall leave my eyes behind

To watch over you until the sun sets in

And in the darkness of the lonely night

When you would least expect

As you sleep a dreamless sleep

I will run my fingers thru your hair

I would kiss you goodnight

And you will never know

‘coz I will have to hurry back to my road

OK. Don’t let me enter your life

I will watch over you as long as I live

At the end someday you may realize

It’s me who bleeds with your pain

For just once hold onto my hand

And I would welcome such a death again…..

 

I shall make a pact with the devil

For in me, he has a soul to take

It’s the pain that defines me now

The life I live a FAKE….

THE CURSE – From the diary of a Genius

“GENIUS is a CURSE. A curse that you get born with. A curse from which you never get free. Once you come to know of it, it manifests even strongly and you can never ever get rid of it….

I am a “genius”. I do not know, whether that is something to be proud of, to be happy about or to be appalled with. All I know is that ever since I remember, I have lived my life in isolation. I have been forever alone. I have cried alone. I have been happy alone. I have been angry alone. I have experienced the joyest of all joys alone. I have experienced the saddest of all sorrows alone. I have condemned myself to a lifelong of suffering. I have shunned people and shut them out of my life. I haven’t let anyone come close and I am happy in that realization. People who think they know me better don’t yet know that they are still on the surface…. I have pulled so many masks on my face, that the real me is hidden beneath countless layers of pseudo happiness. A new face for every person I meet…a happy face….a smiley face…a face that can hide infinite pain….a face with ancient eyes pitying thyself…

I sometimes wish I was normal, with no special talents, with an ordinary life. A “one” among “millions”…..an everyday face. But, ever since I stepped in this world, I knew I was different…..different than those who surrounded me. Life was rosy at first. The world was in my tow. I had great expectations from myself….countless dreams…so many talents to nurture…an intelligence to grow…

I stood up high, looked at the sky in the eye

And promised it that someday I will fly

I will dance in the clouds and play in the sun

I will make my life full of surprises and fun

I will ride with the wind and pour with the rain

I would live a life devoid of any pain

But life doesnt always turn out to be the way we want it, does it? 

Sometimes, a genius has to make huge sacrifices, which I did…..Huge sacrifices…..I betrayed myself.  didn’t stand up for my own right. I accepted my fate. Had I the courage to fight for my identity, it would have been a different picture. But I made a wrong choice. A choice that broke me…

I became ordinary and in doing so I did the biggest crime a genius can ever commit….”Living a life much less than I deserved….”

The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settle for

– Maureen Dowd 

I kept being drawn in this vortex of sacrifices and the next thing I knew is that I had sacrificed the “real me” for the people I loved. I had accepted everything around me, clipped my wings and forced myself to forget that I had the gift of flight. I had voluntarily made myself into a common rat that runs in mazes competing blindly. I had killed the expectations I had from myself instead I had molded myself to the expectations of others. I had no will. Or maybe I had it but I never bothered about it. 

From a life of genuine smiles I descended to a death which I began to live with everyday….

In this journey of life I have met and interacted with thousands of people. Some recognized me for what I am. They do not understand why am I hiding. They know not of my troubles. They do not know the hurt I live with. They think I am a loser (which I know I am)….they think I am stupid (which I show I am, but I am not)….they are jealous of me for having such brilliant gifts yet they mock at me saying I don’t deserve them as I hide them from all…

For they do not know the tribulations I face….I wish I could make them explain…I wish I could let them know why I made some choices. I wish I could explain the psychological trauma that I live with every moment of the day. 

Then there are some who treat me like dirt…..those who think I am a spineless coward….those who think that since I couldn’t even stand up for my own rights, I wouldn’t hit them back….and I spend my life suffocating under the shadow of these people who are less than me…people rich by money and worldly pleasures but poorer in relationships and humanity. Sometimes I feel inexplicable anger towards them yet at times I pity them for what they are. ‘coz in spite of chaining my soul to a lifelong worth of prison sentence I know I still got one as opposed to them who have sold it for monetary gains.

The world is “practical” and I know its not made for dreamers like me. History has seen countless geniuses that have walked on the earth since eternity and still does now. But history hasn’t seen a million more that could have been BUT never got a chance….those who forsaked their life…those who bargained their happiness for the likes of others….

And I can’t even kill myself. Not because I’m afraid to….or a coward to do so but because I know that it’s not the answer…..that I “have” to live with those sufferings …..Sometimes the hurt is too much to move on…..the regrets weigh me down…I falter…I stumble…yet I hold my head up high knowing that some day or in some life, I will get my due…That life will someday pay me back for putting me through this…

Sometimes, I replay my life over and over again and think of all those times when I had two roads to choose and I chose one…what if I had chosen the other…..would choosing a different path brought me to a different destination or would I have wound up right here….right now…What if all my broken dreams are indeed a reality in a different time dimension…what if a different me in a different time vortex is living the dreams that I dreamt…inhaling the aroma of success….not hiding behind false masks but proudly flaunting my genius….What if I am proud to be different…that I am living a life I deserve….what if  I am truly happy somewhere in some time…

Alas, that is not my fate right here, right now…

With heavy heart, I accept…..I stumble, I steady…I hold back tears, I put on the mask….I cry rivers, I plaster a smile on my lips….I forget myself as usual and keep one face in front of my eyes….I tell myself that this isn’t for me…but for someone else….and I endure the never-ending suffering with the knowledge that morning always follows even the darkest of all nights….“

~From the diary of a Genius, Writ this day, Sunday, August 14th, in the city that made my dreams and broke them too