A NEW YEAR’S BEGINNING

(Never say “This can’t happen to me”, ‘coz Life has a funny way of proving us right. We begin the New Year with lots of positive energy and enthusiasm but as the year grows old we succumb to its everyday frustrations & squabbles. We fall prey to the constant depressions and the year we thought to be great, turns out a disaster. Truth is, at any given point of our lives, we are capable of making the required changes & live our lives to the fullest…a change in the day or month or even a year does not make a difference. But, man is so psychologically dependent on external factors that a move like this is justifiable in situations when we are trying to embark on a new beginning…when we are willing to accept change and also willing to make it. When we are willing to overlook the hurts & pains of all yesterdays and willing to face life with all its troubles. When minor wounds don’t matter and the biggest blows just test the level of our endurance….when death is nothing to be afraid of  and life, a dream to live……)

 

I stand in front of the mirror

And see what only I can see

Me, covered with bruises & burns

And wounds that were meant to be

I have been pushed & kicked…stoned & hurt

Yet I try to stand my way

As I support unsteadily my broken body

I know I will be okay

Those are the hurts I suffered for long

Those disappointments that left me sad

The pain that ripped open my heart

Those moments that brought out my bad

And although the moments of happiness are scarce

A smile gets inscribed on my lips

As I count the days of true love & care

They barely cover my fingertips

Our memory is such a fickle friend

It makes us remember the things we’d rather miss

It forces us to see our failings o many

The hell’s poison & the death’s kiss

Yet I am amazed, how I survived the past year

Where from the hell this strength I got?

Why didn’t my trust rot?

Why hope my heart does crave?

Why is it that I only emerged stronger?

How could I be so brave?

How could I have survived this longer?

On the night of the last day of the year

I came to terms with this life

The year that broke me down

The incidents that left me shaken

And the people who made me frown

The love that I lost & never regained

The relationships that I killed

The opportunities I let go off so easily

And never did as I willed

Acceptance is the first step towards freedom they say

As I accept my fate as it is

Forgiveness of thyself is the first right they say

As i forgive myself as it is

The more I accept; the more I forgive

I can see the wounds healing

The bruises slowly vanish away

The scars keep disappearing

My body is regaining its lost vigor

The burns get cold

My innocence takes a steady hold

And as the new year kicks in the trigger

With hope I stare right at the sun

With faith I leap off this train

Chuck all the old baggage of the past

I leave it behind with disdain

I know not what tears will the new year hold

How much more can I contain?

I know not how can my heart patch up

How much more my efforts shall go in vain?

Could I ever hope for true joy?

For someone to unconditionally love

For being the reason for someone’s smile

A relation formed in heavens above

For a day without tension

For dreams to become real

For helping hand to offer

A world so surreal

Yet I don’t have a choice

But to move on

To lead or to follow

Till my time comes

For a single purpose I will to live

To fall & falter

To stumble & to gather

For a single purpose I will to live

I stand in front of the  mirror again

With a clear face & strong body

Is this the person I once knew I think

Or was it else somebody?

And as the new year progresses

This body will get old to see

The strength will seem to be weak

A reflection of broken me

When the first bruise appears

And splits open my heart real bad

As I bleed like crazy

And the blood soaks my skin & bones

My vision turns sad n sad

In a not-so-distant future

When I shall stand like this

To welcome another year

I hope I will have fewer regrets

And few disappointments to bear

The tears would be of happiness

 Of a year that was well spent

Of so much promise for life to come

Of memories that came & went

So hit me life

With all that you have got

I will fight u

Till my last breath

In the setting sun

I will replenish

As with open arms

I welcome death

SOME STRENGTH, SOME HOPE

 

 

(What is the night which symbolically means darkness and emptiness is actually the closest ally you could ever get and its the day that turns your enemy. What if, in the light you are misled and broken down and in the darkness you patch up. What if, its the bright that damns your life and the black that empowers you to move on???……

One of the greatest lessons in Life I have learned is that, there are some circumstances way beyond our control and although we would like to avoid them, they hit us just as badly no matter what. How much ever you pray or beg God to change things, the destiny that you have set out to fulfill shall not see a change….instead ask for strength…’coz in the end when all fails and each man journeys into the abyss, its ONLY the inner strength that shall keep on going…..)

 

As the darkness comes to close in

And the night draws near

I dream the dream to rock me to sleep

I let the dream sink in

After a long day of pain & sorrow

And before comes the inevitable tomorrow

I want this few hours of bliss

A hug of faith n a warm kiss

‘coz tomorrow again, the pain will rush in

And I shall be thrown out into the crowd

When each passing moment will be worse than death

When melancholy sunrise will greet me

I shall patch my soul the best I could

And move on carrying this burden…

I know I cannot change circumstance

The troubles now in an insolent dance

In middle of the day, the tears shall come

The unbearable heat of the glaring sun

My resolve will weaken as the eve will dawn

New hardships with each minute shall be born

And though I know you will always be there

Maybe not physically but in thoughts to care

My burden you will indeed share

My sorrow you will indeed bear

But the pain slices open my heart

It’s still my hurt to embrace

Although you will be my constant support

Those scattered thoughts I alone need to face

Towards the end of the day I will weaken

The beacon of light will go thin

And I ask not for my troubles to get erased

I just ask for some strength and hope

In the dying faith that held me together so long

I ask for some courage to cope.

They will descend on me like a pack of wolves

They will kick me and curse and hurt me bad

They will hold me responsible for nothing that I did

On me they shall continue getting mad

I will beg in front of them and cry

I shall shout and repeatedly ask why

I will get angry & vow to hurt them so

I will break the promises I made long ago

Yet all this is temporary, I know what I have to do

To continue on this broken path

The journey so long

The road so difficult

The untuned mistimed deadened song

To what level shall he test my endurance

To what extent shall he make me suffer

To what level shall he question my faith

Till survival gets tougher & tougher

Slowly the long day shall end

And the night from shadows shall descend

The darkness will be more welcome than the light

‘coz it will bring freedom to hide

In it shall I dream the dream

Of a much better future and a life

Something to cling on for a few hours of bliss

The broken promises I come to miss

But I know in minutes this night too shall end

And with the day, I shall bow down and bend

Till then let me gather the energy

Let me prepare my self for the dying hour

It’s the day that terrifies me, and chokes me dead

The colors blind me & leave tears to shed

The arrival of the morning soft & slow

The light that engulfs comes with the flow

The nature that will illuminate

An air tight cocoon of hate

As the first ray of sun hits my face

All I ask is for some strength and hope

The blackness slowly delivers me into light

As all I ask is some courage to cope…..

CROSSROADS

Here we stand as silent can be

At the crossroads of our lives

If silence is the goodbye we deserve

In silence shall we walk away

A different path awaits you

A different path I am forced to choose

And although, it’s with you that I would rather be

I walk away beyond the hill

 
I wish I could walk behind you

To support you on your road

And when I couldn’t save you from your fall

To fall with you & stumble my way ahead

It’s at time like these that I feel like a stranger

When I am driven out of our life

Like an outsider I warily watch

But I am not allowed to sneak in

 
Why am I not the person I thought myself to be?

Why am I an alien in my own life?

Why is the perfect world that I built;

Just a pack of dirty lies?

 
I believed I was your soulmate, who with you binds this life

The bearer of your sorrows

The multiplier of your joys

Isn’t it funny that I am the FIRST person with whom you always shared your joys

But somehow I am the LAST one to know when sorrow hazily clouds your eyes

 
And here I thought, I am your other half

To hold your hand and fight the world

To soothe your hurt and to pat your back

To look into your eyes and say, I am with you no matter what

 

A thousand joys of you I could miss

But I am not allowed in your troubles and it hurts to bad

Loneliness is a bitch they say

Now I know why

As I drag your burden along with me

In the darkness of the night I cry

 
The life that I live is one big mess

The food that I eat, tasteless

The air that I breathe, chokes me to death

As continue dying every day

 

I don’t know whether our roads will meet

Or is this the kind of goodbye that lasts forever

I don’t know whether this was a dream

Or perhaps a nightmare that never wavers

There ain’t a tomorrow in this world

Just a string of yesterdays’

This is not how I imagined we would part

In the noise of silent tears

All around me people swing to the tune

As I force myself to sing the song

The charade of happiness I continue to show

‘coz this is the penance I need to do

Whatever that redeems me into your life

To suffer with the happiness of others

To suffocate with the shallow love

I will laugh like crazy and never cry

I will smile a lot and never try

Each laughter a wound that will cut me through

Each joy something that burns me from within

 

I will take my road with me far far away

Across great oceans so vast

Never will they meet tomorrow nor today

To go on and on without having to face each other

 
But before I go away, come to the meadow on the edge

To see me walk away

To know how much it hurts to be an outsider

And although you know your hurt is greater than what I feel

Know this, I carry the burden of both our lives

So even if for you I am not worthy enough to share your sadness

And I am not the person you let me believe myself to be

Know this, whoever I am I shall be the shield that hides you away from death’s eyes

 

This life has already ended and the path I must tread is longer than yours

The pain so intense and the hurt so extreme

That I wish I was dead

But I must suffer

Only to give you chance

And I would take a million of deaths like these

For you to continue to the end of your path

But I shall leave my eyes behind

To watch over you until the sun sets in

And in the darkness of the lonely night

When you would least expect

As you sleep a dreamless sleep

I will run my fingers thru your hair

I would kiss you goodnight

And you will never know

‘coz I will have to hurry back to my road

OK. Don’t let me enter your life

I will watch over you as long as I live

At the end someday you may realize

It’s me who bleeds with your pain

For just once hold onto my hand

And I would welcome such a death again…..

 

I shall make a pact with the devil

For in me, he has a soul to take

It’s the pain that defines me now

The life I live a FAKE….

THE CURSE – From the diary of a Genius

“GENIUS is a CURSE. A curse that you get born with. A curse from which you never get free. Once you come to know of it, it manifests even strongly and you can never ever get rid of it….

I am a “genius”. I do not know, whether that is something to be proud of, to be happy about or to be appalled with. All I know is that ever since I remember, I have lived my life in isolation. I have been forever alone. I have cried alone. I have been happy alone. I have been angry alone. I have experienced the joyest of all joys alone. I have experienced the saddest of all sorrows alone. I have condemned myself to a lifelong of suffering. I have shunned people and shut them out of my life. I haven’t let anyone come close and I am happy in that realization. People who think they know me better don’t yet know that they are still on the surface…. I have pulled so many masks on my face, that the real me is hidden beneath countless layers of pseudo happiness. A new face for every person I meet…a happy face….a smiley face…a face that can hide infinite pain….a face with ancient eyes pitying thyself…

I sometimes wish I was normal, with no special talents, with an ordinary life. A “one” among “millions”…..an everyday face. But, ever since I stepped in this world, I knew I was different…..different than those who surrounded me. Life was rosy at first. The world was in my tow. I had great expectations from myself….countless dreams…so many talents to nurture…an intelligence to grow…

I stood up high, looked at the sky in the eye

And promised it that someday I will fly

I will dance in the clouds and play in the sun

I will make my life full of surprises and fun

I will ride with the wind and pour with the rain

I would live a life devoid of any pain

But life doesnt always turn out to be the way we want it, does it? 

Sometimes, a genius has to make huge sacrifices, which I did…..Huge sacrifices…..I betrayed myself.  didn’t stand up for my own right. I accepted my fate. Had I the courage to fight for my identity, it would have been a different picture. But I made a wrong choice. A choice that broke me…

I became ordinary and in doing so I did the biggest crime a genius can ever commit….”Living a life much less than I deserved….”

The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settle for

– Maureen Dowd 

I kept being drawn in this vortex of sacrifices and the next thing I knew is that I had sacrificed the “real me” for the people I loved. I had accepted everything around me, clipped my wings and forced myself to forget that I had the gift of flight. I had voluntarily made myself into a common rat that runs in mazes competing blindly. I had killed the expectations I had from myself instead I had molded myself to the expectations of others. I had no will. Or maybe I had it but I never bothered about it. 

From a life of genuine smiles I descended to a death which I began to live with everyday….

In this journey of life I have met and interacted with thousands of people. Some recognized me for what I am. They do not understand why am I hiding. They know not of my troubles. They do not know the hurt I live with. They think I am a loser (which I know I am)….they think I am stupid (which I show I am, but I am not)….they are jealous of me for having such brilliant gifts yet they mock at me saying I don’t deserve them as I hide them from all…

For they do not know the tribulations I face….I wish I could make them explain…I wish I could let them know why I made some choices. I wish I could explain the psychological trauma that I live with every moment of the day. 

Then there are some who treat me like dirt…..those who think I am a spineless coward….those who think that since I couldn’t even stand up for my own rights, I wouldn’t hit them back….and I spend my life suffocating under the shadow of these people who are less than me…people rich by money and worldly pleasures but poorer in relationships and humanity. Sometimes I feel inexplicable anger towards them yet at times I pity them for what they are. ‘coz in spite of chaining my soul to a lifelong worth of prison sentence I know I still got one as opposed to them who have sold it for monetary gains.

The world is “practical” and I know its not made for dreamers like me. History has seen countless geniuses that have walked on the earth since eternity and still does now. But history hasn’t seen a million more that could have been BUT never got a chance….those who forsaked their life…those who bargained their happiness for the likes of others….

And I can’t even kill myself. Not because I’m afraid to….or a coward to do so but because I know that it’s not the answer…..that I “have” to live with those sufferings …..Sometimes the hurt is too much to move on…..the regrets weigh me down…I falter…I stumble…yet I hold my head up high knowing that some day or in some life, I will get my due…That life will someday pay me back for putting me through this…

Sometimes, I replay my life over and over again and think of all those times when I had two roads to choose and I chose one…what if I had chosen the other…..would choosing a different path brought me to a different destination or would I have wound up right here….right now…What if all my broken dreams are indeed a reality in a different time dimension…what if a different me in a different time vortex is living the dreams that I dreamt…inhaling the aroma of success….not hiding behind false masks but proudly flaunting my genius….What if I am proud to be different…that I am living a life I deserve….what if  I am truly happy somewhere in some time…

Alas, that is not my fate right here, right now…

With heavy heart, I accept…..I stumble, I steady…I hold back tears, I put on the mask….I cry rivers, I plaster a smile on my lips….I forget myself as usual and keep one face in front of my eyes….I tell myself that this isn’t for me…but for someone else….and I endure the never-ending suffering with the knowledge that morning always follows even the darkest of all nights….“

~From the diary of a Genius, Writ this day, Sunday, August 14th, in the city that made my dreams and broke them too

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

(Sometimes, no, in fact at every turn life gets difficult and more difficult. You lose focus. You lose hope. You lose yourself. You start to doubt. Your vision clouds and you begin to think that you are good for nothing. You blame your destiny. You mar your luck. You feel helpless and lose self-confidence. You feel like quitting all and going back in a cocoon to shield yourself from the real world. What you do not understand is that you have the power within yourself to fight back. This is just a test. A test to test your inner strength. A test to make you more strong. A test to awaken the potential that even you do not know exists. Quit crying at this moment. It is just a tiny moment in eternity that will cease to exist soon. A change so minute, a difference so small but with implications which will re-shape your entire life….Find yourself….Find a friend…Find a love….In a world that changes shades in every instant you are just a minuscule part of some great plan….Tears that you are shedding now…will mean nothing tomorrow….Tomorrow you will get born in an new eternity….All was and always will be TEMPORARY)

On a lonely rainy night

As I lay on my bed

Thumbing through a copy

Of some book well-read

My thoughts wander towards you

How are you meant to be 

All smiles that you cover yourself with

For others to openly see

I see you from a distance

The false masks that you wear

You may fool others easily

But I am the one who cares

You need to forget these troubles

You need a helping hand

Someone to talk to secretly

Someone who could understand

I see through your charade

I see the inward hurt

I see those unshed tears

And not the mirage that you display overt

Come one, gimme one chance

Let me be the ONE for you

Let me soothe away your pain

I could be a best friend too

Unless you let me help you

How will bring you back?

Unless you trust me

How will I get you on track?

Just stretch your hand forward

I am here to hold it for you

To guide you in this darkness

That has appeared out of blue

The light is within you

Just let me show you the way

The strength that has never left you

The power that’s never away

You are sitting in a corner

When your world is actually round

It all exists in your head

You just need to unbound

I know you have gone through a lot

A lot you sadness you have seen

I know its not easy to get back on your feet

And be as you have always been

I know the world is bad

And it will always drag you back

Throw curses at you at every turn

And let insults stack

I know you hate god at the moment

‘coz your life seems a joke

But, there is still so much more to you

That you are not trying to awoke

I know how it feels like

When life kills you every time

Treats you like an outcast

Treats you like some slime

Don’t listen to the people who taunt you

I know right now they are on top

But someday you’ll show them

That you aren’t some flop

All faith you have abandoned

All hope you have cast

But trust me, the possibilities of finding happiness

Are still so very vast

You think yourself as stupid

‘coz that’s what they make you think

They are pushing you over the edge

Driving you to the brink

But I pity those people

For what they are

I pity their shallow minds

That they have long ago barred

I pity they do not recognize

For what you really are

Naah, I don’t despise them

But, their rules I do mar

NO, you don’t have to be like them

Even now, you are so great

The ideals that you still follow

With not even an ounce of hate

Just have some bit of patience

Some memory to which you can cling

Some joy that fills your heart

A spark or some zing

OR just

Find a heart

One true heart

That will only beat for you

A friend so dear

A companion near

Who shines like morning dew

Find a love

One true love

That will always stand by your side

Your own person

Just one person

With whom your destiny is tied

You need just one person

Just one reason in your life

Just one memory to cope

For all innocence to survive

Come, look through my eyes

Tell me what you see

Yes, that wonderful person is YOU

It’s what you mean to me

Yes, just get up

And stare; blatantly at the world

Show them you can fight back

And make your flag unfurl

The candle flickers brightly

Just before it forever ends

The temptation to quit is high

At the time when trouble transcends

From the night the day is born

From the day, the night does spring

Every end carries the seed

Of the dawn of a new beginning

‘Coz all that’s always left behind

Are shadows of broken glass

No matter what this moment holds for you

Eventually this too shall pass…

HAVE YOU EVER KNOWN….?

(Words will never be enough to convey true feelings and emotions. All that is there to this poem is not here in the introduction but in the poetry that follows. Be thankful that you got a chance to love, ‘coz some of us may never know what true love was….coz its only fallacy that we have experienced throughout our lives…….)

Have you ever felt the rain drops

falling from the sky

Like a dear ally

‘Coz you remember the times

When you walked; hand-in-hand

With the one you love

And as the rain water drenched you so

It felt like blessings from above

Have you ever looked, at the stars

On a silent lonely night

And as they whispered their story to you

It felt somehow so right

You gaze lovingly into the space

As they twinkle all the way

And assure you of the feelings unknown

That will wake up with the new day

When the morning sun rises

and the rays, kiss you on the cheek

As the breeze gently caresses your face

In the knees it makes you weak

Have you ever known

Did you ever knew

This kind of a LOVE

It feels like

It feels like

It feels like, blessings from above

Have you ever loved

and then lost

The one you held so dear

As even in that, dreamy haze

You felt a deep-rooted fear

‘Coz you are mine

and mine alone

You live in this broken heart

This memory, I can’t erase

Now that you are, apart

I surround myself with people

To forget the pain of your longing

But it doesn’t seem like ever

To this crowd, I am belonging

I stick out like a sore thumb

I stand out from the rest

I don’t think, our going away from each other

Has worked out for the best

And as you climb, the ladders of success there

For me, even a small change, is rare

As you reach the top

and kiss the hands of fame

I am just, barely aware

It shut myself in my room

and cry out, your sweet name in vain

When will you ever, pass this way

Oh, when will you come again?

In the hope that you may listen to me

and take me with you away

I can’ t bear, to go on living

In such a dismal way

‘Coz you are mine 

and mine alone

You live in this broken heart

This memory I can’t erase

Now that you are, apart

The sweet is not sweet without you

The spice has lost its spice

When I’m unable to share, things with you

They just don’t seem that nice

And its the same sun that awakens you

And the same moon that gets you asleep

And although I share, them with you

The longing for you is deep

Have you ever known

Did you ever knew

This kind of a LOVE

It feels like

It feels like

It feels like, blessings from above

So, am I lucky

That I got the chance

To love someone like YOU

To be a witness

To all your secrets

A right that you gave to few

Or am I unlucky

That someday I may see you

in someone else’s eyes

And in your eyes,

I’ll see the love

That breaks our, fragile ties

Alas, I am not the person

Who will follow you, upto the last

And in each other’s lives

We’ll just be a distant past

And when I see you

walking hand-in-hand

with someone else, alright

I would wonder

Where my destiny failed me

Why didn’t it turn out right?

And, although you’ll be happy

Like someday, happy I will too be

But we wouldn’t feel

that intense passion, we felt together

neither you, nor me

And we’ll bid goodbye to each other

We will vanish into the light

We’ll give up & falter & stumble

We’ll lose this age old fight

Our story won’t be famous

Only the two of us will know

That we learnt life’s

most difficult lesson

And as a person

did we grow….

I am sure everyone has a

great love story

In their un-amusing lives

The one in which -

neither of the two lovers

But its true love 

that slowly dies

Have you ever known

Did you ever knew

This kind of a LOVE

It feels like

It feels like

It feels like, blessings from above

Have you ever hurt

Have you ever cried

For this kind of a LOVE

It killed you heart

It bled your soul

But it still was a gift from above

…still was a gift from above

 

THE BATTLE

 

 

(How the very existence as a human being throws us into a turmoil to fight the greatest inner war that man has been fighting ever since birth. How nothing is wrong or right but the personal quest to obtain the gift of life draws our strength to almost the breaking point to fight those immortal entities that we ourselves used as stepping stones in the first place. How no loss, no win is permanent as little battles are encountered every day and what is expected of us is not to set our sights for the end but to keep on trying until the end…….)

 

 

You are fighting a losing battle they say

Oh you could never win this way

Join us they confidently exclaim

This common cult, they ask me to proclaim

We are the ones to whom you belong

We are the ones who will be there lifelong

Join us and let us all be one

Join us till the work is done

I try to hide and let them pass

I bide my time to run away

‘coz once I get entangled in their clutches

I will never be able to leave this way

I have to survive and have to thrive

As I fight & fight with all my might

As I realize I am not just fighting for my own self

But for the basic human right

At times when my energy is low

I move unsure-ly to their side

Until I get the strength to put myself back on

Until by my promises can I abide

I fight to keep my identity intact

I fight to be who I am

I fight till I get forlorn and weak

I keep fighting till the day end

They are the ones who plant obstacles in my path

And pull me down as I climb higher

They are the shadows the block my success

And against my happiness do they conspire

They remind me of the five fingers on my hand

They are greed, lust, money, fame & power

They follow me silently & test my tolerance

To see where I falter in the need of hour

Although the five are a part of everyone’s life

We struggle to keep them in check

And let them grow strong to rule us so

And unintentionally throw our life in a wreck

They lure us in their web of deceit

They entice us in their dirty dance

They grow to a point when they consume us all

And we keep doing things in a trance

We forget we are their masters

And lose the control

And let them turn us into slaves

And forget our role

But some time some day some one like me

Decides to end it for once and for all

And gear up to fight against them so

Before I know my downfall

‘coz I know that time is scarce

It will take a lot of effort for me to outlast

And not fall in the trap that every man falls in

To not lose hope & sink into din

The “greed” reminds me of things I want

The past demons that come and haunt

Show me what I am about to lose

As the craving comes to taunt

The “lust” looks me directly in the eye

True feelings in me continue to die

Dares me to rise against it so

To end its reign and let true love flow

 

The “money” proves as the shrewd dictator

As it is a part & parcel of every life

You never know when it grows into you

And consumes you from the inside

 

The “fame” is a fickle friend

It carries you up to the top

And its the one that pushes you down

Till your glory comes to a stop

 

The “power” is unsteady until the end

And when more, corrupts to distend

As it kills the heart & takes over the mind

The power of a power one of  its kind

 

And although these five are essential in life

They are the ones that drag us into strife

No sooner than are we old enough to defend

Each portion of life we begin to amend

 

The untarnished innocence we had as a child

The running carefree in the wild

Those little things that we thought as great

Have gone from being strong to mild

 

And one day the truth dawns upon us

How each man must fight his fight

Survival of the fittest they say

A dark age without any light

 

And with this in mind, I stand up to rise

With past experiences that have made me wise

With the knowledge that its not that I’ll die when the battle looms ahead

But its when I stop “trying” that I will wind up as dead …….

 

ILLUSION

 

(Are we for real? Or are we some inexplicable unsolved illusion? Are we existing? Or do we just “think” we exist? Sometimes we have no answers for some questions. When we wake up from a dream, we believe we are back in reality BUT what if we are yet to awake? What if, this life we are living, a long never-ending delusion……)

 

 

I run through your thoughts

I sprint through your mind

You try to hold onto me

And put life on rewind

 

Yet you can’t find me in any of your memories

Yet you can’t seem to locate me when times freeze

 

Do I exist cause you are

Or am I for real?

I bet you are confused, I know

Was my face an illusion?

And my voice imagination?

Only in your dreams did I learn to grow

 

Were you the only one who could see me?

Was I invisible to everyone else?

Just a creation of your imagination..

Someone you made up

Like an imaginary friend

A self-believable strange notion

 

Do I live in your heart, unknown to all

Hidden in that tiny space

Am I the one; that pumps blood into you?

An emotion you can’t replace

 

Where am I, you wonder?

Whats my origin in your life?

Am I a forgettable chapter, you think?

Someone who will disappear when time comes

Like a slowly vanishing link

 

Do every breath you take, fills you up to brim

Reminds you of the fragrances I hold

I cloud your vision so easily

Do your eyes deceive you – when my image they behold?

 

Can you find if I am real when you slowly touch me?

Or even your touch is an abnormal delusion?

Why do your ears still hear my soundless laughter?

My identity, your mind’s confusion!

 

Did the life we lived-

Never did happen at all?

Was it a dream from which you woke?

A web of unsure hallucinations

A relationship that was revoked

 

You still wonder whether its this or some past life

That weaved my memory into yours

A mysterious connection that appeared out of blue

And assimilated in that life of yours

 

Or maybe- I am you, you are me

Maybe we are; one whole

Two souls that thrive in one single body

Same destination to seek but play different role

 

There’s a thin line that separates, this mirage of  inscrutable

From what we believe as real

Or maybe all this is just make-believe world

Neither imperfect nor ideal

 

Is the truth just a fiction

And a lie that we live

Fallacy that binds you and me

Our lives a deception

Our relation non-existant

A raging enigmatic sea

 

Or someday you may find

I am indeed a fact

I always was and will be

Its you who is unreal

Just a memory re-living

A figment created by me…..

DREAM-KILL

(“Dream-kill” is a poem, I am sure, most of you will identify with. It is a way of life. How we destroy our own dreams and desires to live by the worldly rules. When we are young and carefree, we make so many assumptions and build so many dreams. We think we can conquer the world. We live each day to the fullest. We are so naive about the outside world. We think we can easily master it. But then when we actually are thrown in this world and become independent; we start compromising. Our dreams are long forgotten. They seem childish and immature. We start living by rules and strict guidelines. We “kill” those dreams. We lose our identity. We are no longer the class, we become the mass……)

I kill a dream every day

I bury a dream every night

I try to forget the promises I made

I live in the world of black & white

I reminiscence the desires that I once held

Of reaching high up to the skies

And now I sit on the ground with clipped wings

With reflection of the mocking sky in my eyes

I look fondly at the ocean so vast

But left on the shore with a ship of broken mast

A long forgotten yearning to scour the seas

An impossible dream to swing with the breeze

An ancient craving to travel the world

To make a mark along the journey & unfurl

But I fall & stumble and trip & dive

I never reach destinations how much ever I strive

I once held a chain of dreams

A bag of desires & hopeful springs

A twinkle in the eye, a tryst with fate

A beautiful world I used to create

Now each day I struggle to reach day end

Living for a handful of monetary gains

To insignificantly perish some day like others

To be shackled for the rest of the life with chains

I retreat in my shell & build a cocoon around me

I don’t let anyone enter or flee

I lose myself in monotonous things

The little hidden joys I refuse to see

Sometime in the past I had thought a lot

About my multidimensional capacities

How one day I shall conquer the world

How one day famous I am going to be

Now all the time I have is for work

To toil & sweat and money to earn

To abide by my duties & pursue my loyalties

Only certainties now I discern

Where are the risks I took when I was young?

Where is the energy I showed for a quest?

Where are the promises I made to myself?

All those wishes now I have flung

All I ask for now is to wake everyday

And return to a dull existence

A bed to sleep and some food to eat

With absolutely no resistance

My aspirations are ordinary

My preferences no longer count

I have compromised with my destiny

I have no more false hopes to amount

I will vanish from this world some day as I came into it

With no impact or importance of someone great

One less in the sea of common fishes

Holder of an uneventful fate

Now I even struggle to remember my dreams

As I murder at least one when the day ends

Dreams that will never be fulfilled

Dreams that will never know amends

I laugh at myself & think silently

To what I have been reduced to & I be

I lost my identity somewhere along the way

When I needed most, I failed to be me

All I do is what I “have” to do

I no longer desire what I “wanted” to do

I am a puppet in the hands of circumstances

I am just left as an escapee

Like me, I know, you all too live

Only few move forward and learn to give

But many like me perish easily

Many like me fail to forgive

Lose the innocence along the way

Lose the enthusiasm to find a novel way

Live for others & lose the uniqueness

The one which differentiated us from others some day

Mold ourselves to the rules that are set

Never learn to break out & disobey

Tread on paths explored & trodden

Fail to find a different destination faraway

No more I am different

Now I am this

I transformed to fit in this world

No more am I eternal bliss

And so…………

I kill a dream every day

I bury a dream every night

I easily forget the promises I made

I perpetually live in the world of black & white

I USED TO HAVE A BEST FRIEND…

(“I used to have a best friend” shares its similarities with the previous poem “We’ve drifted apart”. However, this one looks from the angle of a friend; friendships are so important in life. We can survive with the loss of a lover but losing a friend is like losing your identity; losing the very meaning of life!

The end of this poem might seem abrupt. But I have deliberately left it so. Because life loses its completeness with the loss of a best friend and this poem best remains incomplete…. )

I used to have a best friend

and he made my life whole

A friend, philosopher, guide

He played my life’s every role

I used to have a best friend

He used to live in my smile

Fill my surroundings with laughter

And make my time worthwhile

I used to have a best friend

He used to make me dance

And make my heart break into a song

With a single loving glance

I used to have a best friend

Who used to stand by me in thick & thin

Never did he let my days

Sink into chaos and din

I used to have a best friend

who also made me cry

But when I fell down & could not get up

He taught me how to fly

I used to have a best friend

Who sometimes got angry with me

Yet when we didnt talk for even a minute

He would beg and come to plea

I used to have a best friend

And though we had many a fight

In the end he just hugged me

And everything seemed so right

I used to have a best friend

And we used to talk every day

We might be anywhere in the world

But by thought, were never away

His calls fueled my happiness

His voice got me through the day

And when I was overwhelmed with work

He made everything okay

And then all changed……….

The calls dwindled & came to a stop

The mornings turned very bleak

The very reason that brightened my day

Went from strong to being weak

Sometimes I would remember some joke

Some funny moment we shared

And memories would come rushing back

As if he still cared

I didn’t know, whom to tease to

Or with whom to share my woes

I guess when best friends break up

They end up worse than foes

Death is not the only thing that separates people

Believe me, its true

What separates people is ignorance

Of a relationship they once knew

When the person who loved you once

Now behaves as if you don’t exist

And when you try to go away

He doesn’t even try to resist

I can cope with the loss of a mentor

I can cope with the loss of  a lover

But losing a best friend is traumatic

No identity left to discover

No other friend can make up

For the void that the best one has left

Even when you surround yourself with people

Forever  does life harbors; a deep-rooted painful cleft

If you have lost a best friend

You may know how it might feel

There’s no meaning to your life

How much ever you try to conceal

I used to have a best friend

I used to have a life

I used to have a best friend

I used to have a life