A NEW YEAR’S BEGINNING

(Never say “This can’t happen to me”, ‘coz Life has a funny way of proving us right. We begin the New Year with lots of positive energy and enthusiasm but as the year grows old we succumb to its everyday frustrations & squabbles. We fall prey to the constant depressions and the year we thought to be great, turns out a disaster. Truth is, at any given point of our lives, we are capable of making the required changes & live our lives to the fullest…a change in the day or month or even a year does not make a difference. But, man is so psychologically dependent on external factors that a move like this is justifiable in situations when we are trying to embark on a new beginning…when we are willing to accept change and also willing to make it. When we are willing to overlook the hurts & pains of all yesterdays and willing to face life with all its troubles. When minor wounds don’t matter and the biggest blows just test the level of our endurance….when death is nothing to be afraid of  and life, a dream to live……)

 

I stand in front of the mirror

And see what only I can see

Me, covered with bruises & burns

And wounds that were meant to be

I have been pushed & kicked…stoned & hurt

Yet I try to stand my way

As I support unsteadily my broken body

I know I will be okay

Those are the hurts I suffered for long

Those disappointments that left me sad

The pain that ripped open my heart

Those moments that brought out my bad

And although the moments of happiness are scarce

A smile gets inscribed on my lips

As I count the days of true love & care

They barely cover my fingertips

Our memory is such a fickle friend

It makes us remember the things we’d rather miss

It forces us to see our failings o many

The hell’s poison & the death’s kiss

Yet I am amazed, how I survived the past year

Where from the hell this strength I got?

Why didn’t my trust rot?

Why hope my heart does crave?

Why is it that I only emerged stronger?

How could I be so brave?

How could I have survived this longer?

On the night of the last day of the year

I came to terms with this life

The year that broke me down

The incidents that left me shaken

And the people who made me frown

The love that I lost & never regained

The relationships that I killed

The opportunities I let go off so easily

And never did as I willed

Acceptance is the first step towards freedom they say

As I accept my fate as it is

Forgiveness of thyself is the first right they say

As i forgive myself as it is

The more I accept; the more I forgive

I can see the wounds healing

The bruises slowly vanish away

The scars keep disappearing

My body is regaining its lost vigor

The burns get cold

My innocence takes a steady hold

And as the new year kicks in the trigger

With hope I stare right at the sun

With faith I leap off this train

Chuck all the old baggage of the past

I leave it behind with disdain

I know not what tears will the new year hold

How much more can I contain?

I know not how can my heart patch up

How much more my efforts shall go in vain?

Could I ever hope for true joy?

For someone to unconditionally love

For being the reason for someone’s smile

A relation formed in heavens above

For a day without tension

For dreams to become real

For helping hand to offer

A world so surreal

Yet I don’t have a choice

But to move on

To lead or to follow

Till my time comes

For a single purpose I will to live

To fall & falter

To stumble & to gather

For a single purpose I will to live

I stand in front of the  mirror again

With a clear face & strong body

Is this the person I once knew I think

Or was it else somebody?

And as the new year progresses

This body will get old to see

The strength will seem to be weak

A reflection of broken me

When the first bruise appears

And splits open my heart real bad

As I bleed like crazy

And the blood soaks my skin & bones

My vision turns sad n sad

In a not-so-distant future

When I shall stand like this

To welcome another year

I hope I will have fewer regrets

And few disappointments to bear

The tears would be of happiness

 Of a year that was well spent

Of so much promise for life to come

Of memories that came & went

So hit me life

With all that you have got

I will fight u

Till my last breath

In the setting sun

I will replenish

As with open arms

I welcome death

2011 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2011 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The concert hall at the Syndey Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 21,000 times in 2011. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 8 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.

THE WALL THEY COULDN’T TEAR DOWN

Dear Rahul,

I do not know how to address this letter, simply because, you always have been a kind of “hidden” figure for me. Growing up in an era graced with the very presence of Sachin Tendulkar, the man we consider as our God; your involvement in the game seemed secondary for us devotees.

Now when I look back, all those times shine yet again, to show me your equal greatness which might have been a bit overshadowed by one man’s presence. Yet I am amazed, that all these years have not faded you; instead you have become that support, that anchor, that wall who has stood tall and become clearer than ever. 

A year ago, when critics and cricket fanatics had written you off and fans sighed at your poor form, you have not only bounced back this year with a great performance but showed every cricket follower of what stuff you are made of. As opposed to Sachin, who midst great fanfare has tumbled records and added some of his own; you have been that silent killer, patiently biding your time, playing your natural game, slowly & surely moving towards pinnacles of perfection. You have been awe-inspiring, indeed.

When I first came to know that you were chosen as the first player outside Australian subcontinent to deliver the Bradman Oration; my first thought was – Why you? Why not Sachin? While as a die-hard Sachin fan my emotions fall perfectly in their place; right now, let me tell you, I am embarrassed of accepting this. When I first read your speech at the Bradman Oration, I had goosebumps on my arms. It took almost 5 mins after I finished reading to finally snap back into reality. I read it. Re-read it. Re-read it again. Re-re-read it and in 48 hours I have been basking in the glory of those sentences….smiling inwardly at those little anecdotes you sprinkled along the way….thinking seriously about the issues you put forth and watching awe-struck at the finesse you displayed while delivering this speech. You have left me spell-bound. It takes a lot of courage for a Sachin fan like me to accept that you, Rahul, have conquered a place in my heart and earned a respect so great that it will last a lifetime. Your speech and the video has become my daily fodder since.

I absolutely loved your opening para –  “We cricketers devote the better part of our adult lives to being prepared to perform for our countries, to persist and compete as intensely as we can – and more. This building, however, recognizes the men and women who lived out the words – war, battle, fight – for real and then gave it all up for their country, their lives left incomplete, futures extinguished.”

It shows your strength of character in such a way that I can’t help but admire & feel proud of the fact that I am an Indian. 

The issues that you have put forth have made people sit up and take things seriously. Now whether something will be done about it, who knows….but at least you have given them something to ponder on. When I was younger, I always used to have a blast with my friends watching matches, enjoying them, playing our own version of cricket….While, I still enjoy discussing, watching & playing cricket with them; Sadly, most of my friends have been distanced from the game feeling that there has been too much of it lately and it has lost its original charm. It sometimes scares me and makes me wonder that this one thing that fills a spark in my life may one day suddenly vanish from my life too; especially when I think about Sachin’s retirement.

However, cricket has been so much of religion for me; losing it will be like losing my identity as a person and my meaning as a die-hard fan. Cricket has been family. Not a commercial bandwagon but a sentimental roller-coaster that I believe fuels not only mine but millions of other lives all over the world. 

And yes; as you say, it is this generation that has the power to re-write history, to set a tradition to honor the game and come to terms with the fact that players will come and go but the game will truly live on…

Your bold decision of quitting one day internationals especially at a time when the selectors were just realizing your mettle; was indeed commendable. You showed them that you aren’t a puppet to be pushed around. You command a respect that is as unparallel as the devotion that Sachin receives. Just because you have been a quiet and humble player throughout cricketing history doesn’t mean that you are dumb. But it actually means you exhibit an intelligence so profound, that few even have the capacity to grasp it. Recently, when you were felicitated for  being the second highest run scorer in Test history, my heart swells with pride to realize what rare gems this Indian soil has produced. 

Being a person of few words, the long speech you delivered gave us a glimpse of your intense passion for the game…the reverence you showed while uttering Sir Don’s name and the genuine warmth you displayed when you mentioned Sachin shows us the purity of your heart. The elegance, the poise, the perfection, the humbleness you display while batting truly puts you in a class of your own and you applied the same rule during this speech and touched our hearts in such an intimate way, that I feel a deep sense of affection towards you.

I came across the poster below while searching for your photos online. For once, I am not annoyed that it shows Sachin in a lesser light than you; instead I am amused as to why I didn’t realize before the importance of this simple statement.

Rahul, you are yet another person I would like to thank after Sachin for showing me what cricket is all about. For being that “lambi race ka ghoda” we all momentarily forgot. For being an inspiration…..a legend….a man that we have all come to respect. If it’s “utmost devotion” for Sachin, it’s “genuine respect” for you. If it’s “unconditional love” for Sachin, it’s “undying trust” for you. If it’s “pure admiration” for Sachin, it’s definitely a “standing ovation” for you for being the man we all look upto.

I always joke with my friends that if Sachin Tendulkar came in front of me, I probably wouldn’t know  what to say because I would definitely pass out cold with the euphoria of seeing him in the front of me. While, the same wouldn’t apply when I see you Rahul; I would certainly bend and touch the ground you walked upon. My love for Sachin probably doesn’t leave a space for anyone else but my respect for you has increased ten-fold, perhaps more and it’s one thing that I as a fan can sincerely give you.

I will dedicate this post to all your true fans and encourage my Sachin fans to read this too. ‘coz as people you two may be as different as chalk and cheese but inherently there is something divine in both of you.

And if at all, you ever come across this letter, let me tell you, I mirror the words of a much larger crowd. And I stand in front you with folded hands, praying to a man we never dubbed as god but worshiped all the same……a man we never understood……a man who lived in shadows yet one day unknowingly became greater than it that we had to stand up and take notice….a wall that we could never tear down…

With lots of respect, admiration & awe,

A  fan whose loyalties you just earned for life

THE ELUSIVE MILESTONE

Dear Sachin,

In all my excitement, as I woke up on Friday, November 25th, all that I wanted was your 100th ton. Just like billions of others like me…

The way I saw you bat in the morning, not only re-affirmed my devotion for you but also took my breath away. The shots that you hit, the technique that you displayed was flawless and I couldn’t help but admire your genius. But the catch from Sammy, not only stunned Wankhede crowd but also shocked us mortals and we retreated back in our cocoon of everyday frustrations and happenings…

When I got back home later that night, I connected to mycrickethighlights.com, just to have a look at your entire innings and believe me, I was mesmerized. Those 94 runs were like 194 to me at that time. It didn’t matter that it was not converted into a century…It didn’t matter that we still have to wait for your 100th ton….All that mattered was your game….your un-tarnished, unbeatable natural flair….

Sometimes we wonder whether we are true fans. We so desperately want you to hit that elusive ton, yet we do not realize that all this hype is just pointless… 

A person of your stature does not require reaffirmations from us to continue your natural game. For you, milestones have always been secondary to your passion for the game and a chance to serve your motherland. 

It is an undisputed fact that one fine day, you are definitely going to hit that ton and silence your critics and I realize, it really wouldn’t change anything… It won’t change you as a person, or it wouldn’t change our love for you….It would only just add yet another feather to your cap…

Sachin, isn’t our love for you kind of contradictory? We want you to keep on playing as you always do, yet we pressure you with our burden of expectations..

Because after all these years, the only thing we desire is to keep watching you play…whether you hit a 20, a 50, or a 100…..there is pleasure in every boundary you hit and your every six is like an burst of enthusiasm…

The respect that you command is so unparallel, that you are an object of fascination among many. We pray for you, we pray to you and we hold you so close to your hearts that our lives revolve around you..

I remember when you once said in an interview- “I hate losing and cricket being my first love, once I enter the ground it’s a different zone altogether and that hunger for winning is always there.” It not only explains your youthful desire to stick to your love for the game but also the attitude to better yourself with time. I just consider myself lucky to be born in era that serves as a witness to your life.

In hailing you as God, we do satisfy our inner urge to worship yet forget easily that on a basic level, you are human too. You aren’t a machine that we can control to our liking…You cannot hit a century in every match…You are very well going to be bowled out on ducks and failures will be in plenty always….And if it weren’t for those failures, those minor disappointments; we would never have understood our faith in you. What makes us worship you as God, is the likeness we observe in you as a human….something to which we can identify ourselves with and still the difference between us that is a result of  a divine character that you have unknowingly created for yourself.

Stupid news channel and newspaper editors don’t bother me anymore. I do not even consider them worthy enough to get angry on. 

As I spend yet another day going through all their baseless assumptions and accusations in all media (whether in print or audio-visual); I cannot help but feel a kind of hopeless pity on their tiny brains and even more non-existent heart. 

Their public disapproval of you, your genius, your perseverance, your strength just makes a mockery of the pure faith and devotion of billions of us worshipers all  over the world; becoz in this world of deceptions, such purity is an illusionary concept.

As I print these words out, they not only exude my love for you but also echo the sentiments of billions of other fans like me. Fans who, feel like breaking TV sets when you get out early; fans who skip food to get a glimpse of you; fans whose only source of real happiness comes from seeing you bat; fans who have cried rivers with happiness when you finally got your world cup dream…

On the day you hit your 100th ton; see how crazily this same media will carry you on their heads and show your entire lifetime on television…They shall proclaim it as history being created…..Stupid Morons!

What they will not realize is that history was indeed made, long time ago…one fine day in the past…when world came to a standstill, one fleeting moment on April 24th, 1973….

With Respect, Love & Devotion,

A fan you will never know about

SOME STRENGTH, SOME HOPE

 

 

(What is the night which symbolically means darkness and emptiness is actually the closest ally you could ever get and its the day that turns your enemy. What if, in the light you are misled and broken down and in the darkness you patch up. What if, its the bright that damns your life and the black that empowers you to move on???……

One of the greatest lessons in Life I have learned is that, there are some circumstances way beyond our control and although we would like to avoid them, they hit us just as badly no matter what. How much ever you pray or beg God to change things, the destiny that you have set out to fulfill shall not see a change….instead ask for strength…’coz in the end when all fails and each man journeys into the abyss, its ONLY the inner strength that shall keep on going…..)

 

As the darkness comes to close in

And the night draws near

I dream the dream to rock me to sleep

I let the dream sink in

After a long day of pain & sorrow

And before comes the inevitable tomorrow

I want this few hours of bliss

A hug of faith n a warm kiss

‘coz tomorrow again, the pain will rush in

And I shall be thrown out into the crowd

When each passing moment will be worse than death

When melancholy sunrise will greet me

I shall patch my soul the best I could

And move on carrying this burden…

I know I cannot change circumstance

The troubles now in an insolent dance

In middle of the day, the tears shall come

The unbearable heat of the glaring sun

My resolve will weaken as the eve will dawn

New hardships with each minute shall be born

And though I know you will always be there

Maybe not physically but in thoughts to care

My burden you will indeed share

My sorrow you will indeed bear

But the pain slices open my heart

It’s still my hurt to embrace

Although you will be my constant support

Those scattered thoughts I alone need to face

Towards the end of the day I will weaken

The beacon of light will go thin

And I ask not for my troubles to get erased

I just ask for some strength and hope

In the dying faith that held me together so long

I ask for some courage to cope.

They will descend on me like a pack of wolves

They will kick me and curse and hurt me bad

They will hold me responsible for nothing that I did

On me they shall continue getting mad

I will beg in front of them and cry

I shall shout and repeatedly ask why

I will get angry & vow to hurt them so

I will break the promises I made long ago

Yet all this is temporary, I know what I have to do

To continue on this broken path

The journey so long

The road so difficult

The untuned mistimed deadened song

To what level shall he test my endurance

To what extent shall he make me suffer

To what level shall he question my faith

Till survival gets tougher & tougher

Slowly the long day shall end

And the night from shadows shall descend

The darkness will be more welcome than the light

‘coz it will bring freedom to hide

In it shall I dream the dream

Of a much better future and a life

Something to cling on for a few hours of bliss

The broken promises I come to miss

But I know in minutes this night too shall end

And with the day, I shall bow down and bend

Till then let me gather the energy

Let me prepare my self for the dying hour

It’s the day that terrifies me, and chokes me dead

The colors blind me & leave tears to shed

The arrival of the morning soft & slow

The light that engulfs comes with the flow

The nature that will illuminate

An air tight cocoon of hate

As the first ray of sun hits my face

All I ask is for some strength and hope

The blackness slowly delivers me into light

As all I ask is some courage to cope…..

CROSSROADS

Here we stand as silent can be

At the crossroads of our lives

If silence is the goodbye we deserve

In silence shall we walk away

A different path awaits you

A different path I am forced to choose

And although, it’s with you that I would rather be

I walk away beyond the hill

 
I wish I could walk behind you

To support you on your road

And when I couldn’t save you from your fall

To fall with you & stumble my way ahead

It’s at time like these that I feel like a stranger

When I am driven out of our life

Like an outsider I warily watch

But I am not allowed to sneak in

 
Why am I not the person I thought myself to be?

Why am I an alien in my own life?

Why is the perfect world that I built;

Just a pack of dirty lies?

 
I believed I was your soulmate, who with you binds this life

The bearer of your sorrows

The multiplier of your joys

Isn’t it funny that I am the FIRST person with whom you always shared your joys

But somehow I am the LAST one to know when sorrow hazily clouds your eyes

 
And here I thought, I am your other half

To hold your hand and fight the world

To soothe your hurt and to pat your back

To look into your eyes and say, I am with you no matter what

 

A thousand joys of you I could miss

But I am not allowed in your troubles and it hurts to bad

Loneliness is a bitch they say

Now I know why

As I drag your burden along with me

In the darkness of the night I cry

 
The life that I live is one big mess

The food that I eat, tasteless

The air that I breathe, chokes me to death

As continue dying every day

 

I don’t know whether our roads will meet

Or is this the kind of goodbye that lasts forever

I don’t know whether this was a dream

Or perhaps a nightmare that never wavers

There ain’t a tomorrow in this world

Just a string of yesterdays’

This is not how I imagined we would part

In the noise of silent tears

All around me people swing to the tune

As I force myself to sing the song

The charade of happiness I continue to show

‘coz this is the penance I need to do

Whatever that redeems me into your life

To suffer with the happiness of others

To suffocate with the shallow love

I will laugh like crazy and never cry

I will smile a lot and never try

Each laughter a wound that will cut me through

Each joy something that burns me from within

 

I will take my road with me far far away

Across great oceans so vast

Never will they meet tomorrow nor today

To go on and on without having to face each other

 
But before I go away, come to the meadow on the edge

To see me walk away

To know how much it hurts to be an outsider

And although you know your hurt is greater than what I feel

Know this, I carry the burden of both our lives

So even if for you I am not worthy enough to share your sadness

And I am not the person you let me believe myself to be

Know this, whoever I am I shall be the shield that hides you away from death’s eyes

 

This life has already ended and the path I must tread is longer than yours

The pain so intense and the hurt so extreme

That I wish I was dead

But I must suffer

Only to give you chance

And I would take a million of deaths like these

For you to continue to the end of your path

But I shall leave my eyes behind

To watch over you until the sun sets in

And in the darkness of the lonely night

When you would least expect

As you sleep a dreamless sleep

I will run my fingers thru your hair

I would kiss you goodnight

And you will never know

‘coz I will have to hurry back to my road

OK. Don’t let me enter your life

I will watch over you as long as I live

At the end someday you may realize

It’s me who bleeds with your pain

For just once hold onto my hand

And I would welcome such a death again…..

 

I shall make a pact with the devil

For in me, he has a soul to take

It’s the pain that defines me now

The life I live a FAKE….

THE CURSE – From the diary of a Genius

“GENIUS is a CURSE. A curse that you get born with. A curse from which you never get free. Once you come to know of it, it manifests even strongly and you can never ever get rid of it….

I am a “genius”. I do not know, whether that is something to be proud of, to be happy about or to be appalled with. All I know is that ever since I remember, I have lived my life in isolation. I have been forever alone. I have cried alone. I have been happy alone. I have been angry alone. I have experienced the joyest of all joys alone. I have experienced the saddest of all sorrows alone. I have condemned myself to a lifelong of suffering. I have shunned people and shut them out of my life. I haven’t let anyone come close and I am happy in that realization. People who think they know me better don’t yet know that they are still on the surface…. I have pulled so many masks on my face, that the real me is hidden beneath countless layers of pseudo happiness. A new face for every person I meet…a happy face….a smiley face…a face that can hide infinite pain….a face with ancient eyes pitying thyself…

I sometimes wish I was normal, with no special talents, with an ordinary life. A “one” among “millions”…..an everyday face. But, ever since I stepped in this world, I knew I was different…..different than those who surrounded me. Life was rosy at first. The world was in my tow. I had great expectations from myself….countless dreams…so many talents to nurture…an intelligence to grow…

I stood up high, looked at the sky in the eye

And promised it that someday I will fly

I will dance in the clouds and play in the sun

I will make my life full of surprises and fun

I will ride with the wind and pour with the rain

I would live a life devoid of any pain

But life doesnt always turn out to be the way we want it, does it? 

Sometimes, a genius has to make huge sacrifices, which I did…..Huge sacrifices…..I betrayed myself.  didn’t stand up for my own right. I accepted my fate. Had I the courage to fight for my identity, it would have been a different picture. But I made a wrong choice. A choice that broke me…

I became ordinary and in doing so I did the biggest crime a genius can ever commit….”Living a life much less than I deserved….”

The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settle for

– Maureen Dowd 

I kept being drawn in this vortex of sacrifices and the next thing I knew is that I had sacrificed the “real me” for the people I loved. I had accepted everything around me, clipped my wings and forced myself to forget that I had the gift of flight. I had voluntarily made myself into a common rat that runs in mazes competing blindly. I had killed the expectations I had from myself instead I had molded myself to the expectations of others. I had no will. Or maybe I had it but I never bothered about it. 

From a life of genuine smiles I descended to a death which I began to live with everyday….

In this journey of life I have met and interacted with thousands of people. Some recognized me for what I am. They do not understand why am I hiding. They know not of my troubles. They do not know the hurt I live with. They think I am a loser (which I know I am)….they think I am stupid (which I show I am, but I am not)….they are jealous of me for having such brilliant gifts yet they mock at me saying I don’t deserve them as I hide them from all…

For they do not know the tribulations I face….I wish I could make them explain…I wish I could let them know why I made some choices. I wish I could explain the psychological trauma that I live with every moment of the day. 

Then there are some who treat me like dirt…..those who think I am a spineless coward….those who think that since I couldn’t even stand up for my own rights, I wouldn’t hit them back….and I spend my life suffocating under the shadow of these people who are less than me…people rich by money and worldly pleasures but poorer in relationships and humanity. Sometimes I feel inexplicable anger towards them yet at times I pity them for what they are. ‘coz in spite of chaining my soul to a lifelong worth of prison sentence I know I still got one as opposed to them who have sold it for monetary gains.

The world is “practical” and I know its not made for dreamers like me. History has seen countless geniuses that have walked on the earth since eternity and still does now. But history hasn’t seen a million more that could have been BUT never got a chance….those who forsaked their life…those who bargained their happiness for the likes of others….

And I can’t even kill myself. Not because I’m afraid to….or a coward to do so but because I know that it’s not the answer…..that I “have” to live with those sufferings …..Sometimes the hurt is too much to move on…..the regrets weigh me down…I falter…I stumble…yet I hold my head up high knowing that some day or in some life, I will get my due…That life will someday pay me back for putting me through this…

Sometimes, I replay my life over and over again and think of all those times when I had two roads to choose and I chose one…what if I had chosen the other…..would choosing a different path brought me to a different destination or would I have wound up right here….right now…What if all my broken dreams are indeed a reality in a different time dimension…what if a different me in a different time vortex is living the dreams that I dreamt…inhaling the aroma of success….not hiding behind false masks but proudly flaunting my genius….What if I am proud to be different…that I am living a life I deserve….what if  I am truly happy somewhere in some time…

Alas, that is not my fate right here, right now…

With heavy heart, I accept…..I stumble, I steady…I hold back tears, I put on the mask….I cry rivers, I plaster a smile on my lips….I forget myself as usual and keep one face in front of my eyes….I tell myself that this isn’t for me…but for someone else….and I endure the never-ending suffering with the knowledge that morning always follows even the darkest of all nights….“

~From the diary of a Genius, Writ this day, Sunday, August 14th, in the city that made my dreams and broke them too

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

(Sometimes, no, in fact at every turn life gets difficult and more difficult. You lose focus. You lose hope. You lose yourself. You start to doubt. Your vision clouds and you begin to think that you are good for nothing. You blame your destiny. You mar your luck. You feel helpless and lose self-confidence. You feel like quitting all and going back in a cocoon to shield yourself from the real world. What you do not understand is that you have the power within yourself to fight back. This is just a test. A test to test your inner strength. A test to make you more strong. A test to awaken the potential that even you do not know exists. Quit crying at this moment. It is just a tiny moment in eternity that will cease to exist soon. A change so minute, a difference so small but with implications which will re-shape your entire life….Find yourself….Find a friend…Find a love….In a world that changes shades in every instant you are just a minuscule part of some great plan….Tears that you are shedding now…will mean nothing tomorrow….Tomorrow you will get born in an new eternity….All was and always will be TEMPORARY)

On a lonely rainy night

As I lay on my bed

Thumbing through a copy

Of some book well-read

My thoughts wander towards you

How are you meant to be 

All smiles that you cover yourself with

For others to openly see

I see you from a distance

The false masks that you wear

You may fool others easily

But I am the one who cares

You need to forget these troubles

You need a helping hand

Someone to talk to secretly

Someone who could understand

I see through your charade

I see the inward hurt

I see those unshed tears

And not the mirage that you display overt

Come one, gimme one chance

Let me be the ONE for you

Let me soothe away your pain

I could be a best friend too

Unless you let me help you

How will bring you back?

Unless you trust me

How will I get you on track?

Just stretch your hand forward

I am here to hold it for you

To guide you in this darkness

That has appeared out of blue

The light is within you

Just let me show you the way

The strength that has never left you

The power that’s never away

You are sitting in a corner

When your world is actually round

It all exists in your head

You just need to unbound

I know you have gone through a lot

A lot you sadness you have seen

I know its not easy to get back on your feet

And be as you have always been

I know the world is bad

And it will always drag you back

Throw curses at you at every turn

And let insults stack

I know you hate god at the moment

‘coz your life seems a joke

But, there is still so much more to you

That you are not trying to awoke

I know how it feels like

When life kills you every time

Treats you like an outcast

Treats you like some slime

Don’t listen to the people who taunt you

I know right now they are on top

But someday you’ll show them

That you aren’t some flop

All faith you have abandoned

All hope you have cast

But trust me, the possibilities of finding happiness

Are still so very vast

You think yourself as stupid

‘coz that’s what they make you think

They are pushing you over the edge

Driving you to the brink

But I pity those people

For what they are

I pity their shallow minds

That they have long ago barred

I pity they do not recognize

For what you really are

Naah, I don’t despise them

But, their rules I do mar

NO, you don’t have to be like them

Even now, you are so great

The ideals that you still follow

With not even an ounce of hate

Just have some bit of patience

Some memory to which you can cling

Some joy that fills your heart

A spark or some zing

OR just

Find a heart

One true heart

That will only beat for you

A friend so dear

A companion near

Who shines like morning dew

Find a love

One true love

That will always stand by your side

Your own person

Just one person

With whom your destiny is tied

You need just one person

Just one reason in your life

Just one memory to cope

For all innocence to survive

Come, look through my eyes

Tell me what you see

Yes, that wonderful person is YOU

It’s what you mean to me

Yes, just get up

And stare; blatantly at the world

Show them you can fight back

And make your flag unfurl

The candle flickers brightly

Just before it forever ends

The temptation to quit is high

At the time when trouble transcends

From the night the day is born

From the day, the night does spring

Every end carries the seed

Of the dawn of a new beginning

‘Coz all that’s always left behind

Are shadows of broken glass

No matter what this moment holds for you

Eventually this too shall pass…

FIRST SUMMER SHOWERS

She rolled lazily on her bed…..It had been a long day and a tiring one too. She thought, maybe writing about it will make her feel better. She opened her diary. She couldn’t remember the last time, she had had time to write something in it. She remembered the times when she used to write pages and pages of feelings in her diary. Gone were those days. These days she hardly had time to interact with others, let alone interacting with herself….

But today was different. She needed an outlet to give her frustration a release. She found a blank page and began writing……

FIRST SUMMER SHOWERS – 2011

“I rush through the already drenched streets… the people, the shops, the surroundings appear blurry. I can hardly make out the shapes and colors. I have only been out on the streets for 5 minutes and I am already soaking wet!

This damn rain, I exclaim. It came a week earlier than predicted. I still haven’t extracted my umbrella/raincoat from wherever it is gathering dust from past one year. I might even need some new rain-gear, I think. I bet, it will rain for a few days and stop. Then it will get more hot than usual. It has been a lousy summer. I don’t want more soaring temperatures.

How abominable! Trust, public transport to breakdown right now! Naahh….doesn’t disappoint me. Waiting for some mode of transport to reach home….Oh shucks, I will have to walk home in this downpour! Chaotic streets, water everywhere, mud puddles…ewwww.!! Oh my brand new Levis’. And hell, I paid a fortune for those shoes. My gucci bag!!!! I hope my wallet’s okay. My phone!!!! My iPod!!! Oh god, all my stuff is in mortal danger…..

Rains are such a pain in the neck!!!! Ahhh…finally I see home….Climbing the stairs ….@@@**$%…WTF…..Plunged into darkness! What the hell is this? Power-cut!!! Again??? Haven’t there been enough in the last 2 weeks???    

It has already been an hectic day at the office…..I am soaked to skin…..I am shivering like crazy….My shoes are caked in mud AND NOW, a POWER-CUT!!! Disgusting!

Oh thank god, I could atleast save my phone, my iPod, my money from this mayhem. Phheww! A sigh of relief…I need to take care of those shoes though.

I hate rains! They spell nothing but trouble! Filthy! Dirty! I could even sue them, if that were possible.

I hope I don’t get sick. I cannot afford to miss office. Way too much work, deadlines to meet, peer pressure. How will I bear the huge burden if I lose any more days??? I think I might have a nervous breakdown because of these rains.

God! How much I hate them. RAINS, GET OUT OF MY LIFE!!!!!”

                                                          

She closed the diary, still frustrated. It was such a bleak day, so damn irritating because of the rains. She had showered with hot water, put on clean clothes and lay on her bed writing this out. She neither had the energy nor the wish to talk with her family or anyone else. It was past 23:00 hours and she has a long day ahead tomorrow. Gotta sleep now….

But, sleep was eluding her. She rummaged through her cupboard and found her old diaries. These should be fun to read, she thought. She picked an old one and started flipping through the pages….

Suddenly, a vaguely familiar entry caught her eye. Hmmm…..2006…5 years ago…..Interesting…..It had the same tittle as of her entry today….amused, she began reading…..

FIRST SUMMER SHOWERS – 2006

“I giggled as I sprinted across the streets. All seemed blurry as if my eyes exuded water. Yet, all was colorful. I could make out shapes of people & brightly lit shops. And sooooooooo much green. It seemed like paradise. I glanced at the people rushing around me….eager to get away from the rains…cursing it, fleeing away from it. No way, I could EVER do that! Ha! My laughter, mocked at their stupidity. Oh come on, how can you be so stupid to run away from rains??? The weather’s so cool. Yippee.

I jumped from one puddle to another. This was so much fun.

Trains late? No problem….I get more time to spend with these first showers of the month!

No transport to get home? No problem….Good excuse to give to Mom if she asks why am I so wet!

I don’t care. These are the first showers! For 3 long months, the heat has taunted us, teased us, made us go crazy, kept us sweltering and TODAY, finally, it’s giving us the much needed relief.

I reach home jumping with enthusiasm. Power-cut, Mom says. Oh boy, this will be fun. Fun to eat dinner in candle light. My clothes are so wet, they are sticking to my body. My bag’s a mess. My phone’s working atleast. And the money? Well, I have hardly more than 100 bucks. These will dry out in the sun tomorrow. No harm done. 

Happily, I eat my dinner. I go in my room and sit near the window staring out. I have a book in my lap and a flashlight in one hand. Mom will kill me if she sees me reading like this. But, this is so cool.                                                                                                                                                I sit by the open window….listening to the soft sound of the rain…..it has become a light drizzle now….I smell the pleasant fragrance of the wet mud…wow…I just love rains….”    

She let the diary fall from her hands. It was getting wet. Wet with the tears that cascaded down her cheeks. The sheer joy and innocence of a time not so long ago was being washed away by the tears of frustration that had accumulated in the last few years. She buried her face in her hands and wept. She couldn’t believe that once, she was this innocent girl. A girl who found joy in all little things in life. A girl who “lived” and not just “existed”. A girl who cared more about feelings and emotions rather than gadgets and clothes and money and all material things. She didn’t seem to understand as to how she had come to this point her life.

Dhhhhadammmm…..It thundered. Startled she peered through the window. It was still raining heavily. Probably more heavily than before. She reached out to see, whether the window was securely locked and then suddenly thought….what if…? What if, were this window open? It would flood the room. It would douche my stuff. It would make a mess. Should I (open it), she thought. I am wearing fresh clothes now and how can I afford to get sick, she reasoned. There is so much to do tomorrow, I should probably sleep, she concluded. 

As she turned around, she once again caught sight of the diary still laying on the floor….displaying that old slightly smudged from the tears, entry, made 5 years ago.

Laughing knowingly, she threw the window open and stretched out her arms in a welcoming gesture. As the pure rain drops splashed across her face drenching her, you could see the slight smile forming on her lips. 

As the rain seeped through her clothes into her heart, she felt a genuine calm spreading through her entire body. An eternal bliss embracing her…..peace…..tranquil peace…..Her smile widened as she softly muttered to herself…”I love you Rains…Welcome Back….”

HAVE YOU EVER KNOWN….?

(Words will never be enough to convey true feelings and emotions. All that is there to this poem is not here in the introduction but in the poetry that follows. Be thankful that you got a chance to love, ‘coz some of us may never know what true love was….coz its only fallacy that we have experienced throughout our lives…….)

Have you ever felt the rain drops

falling from the sky

Like a dear ally

‘Coz you remember the times

When you walked; hand-in-hand

With the one you love

And as the rain water drenched you so

It felt like blessings from above

Have you ever looked, at the stars

On a silent lonely night

And as they whispered their story to you

It felt somehow so right

You gaze lovingly into the space

As they twinkle all the way

And assure you of the feelings unknown

That will wake up with the new day

When the morning sun rises

and the rays, kiss you on the cheek

As the breeze gently caresses your face

In the knees it makes you weak

Have you ever known

Did you ever knew

This kind of a LOVE

It feels like

It feels like

It feels like, blessings from above

Have you ever loved

and then lost

The one you held so dear

As even in that, dreamy haze

You felt a deep-rooted fear

‘Coz you are mine

and mine alone

You live in this broken heart

This memory, I can’t erase

Now that you are, apart

I surround myself with people

To forget the pain of your longing

But it doesn’t seem like ever

To this crowd, I am belonging

I stick out like a sore thumb

I stand out from the rest

I don’t think, our going away from each other

Has worked out for the best

And as you climb, the ladders of success there

For me, even a small change, is rare

As you reach the top

and kiss the hands of fame

I am just, barely aware

It shut myself in my room

and cry out, your sweet name in vain

When will you ever, pass this way

Oh, when will you come again?

In the hope that you may listen to me

and take me with you away

I can’ t bear, to go on living

In such a dismal way

‘Coz you are mine 

and mine alone

You live in this broken heart

This memory I can’t erase

Now that you are, apart

The sweet is not sweet without you

The spice has lost its spice

When I’m unable to share, things with you

They just don’t seem that nice

And its the same sun that awakens you

And the same moon that gets you asleep

And although I share, them with you

The longing for you is deep

Have you ever known

Did you ever knew

This kind of a LOVE

It feels like

It feels like

It feels like, blessings from above

So, am I lucky

That I got the chance

To love someone like YOU

To be a witness

To all your secrets

A right that you gave to few

Or am I unlucky

That someday I may see you

in someone else’s eyes

And in your eyes,

I’ll see the love

That breaks our, fragile ties

Alas, I am not the person

Who will follow you, upto the last

And in each other’s lives

We’ll just be a distant past

And when I see you

walking hand-in-hand

with someone else, alright

I would wonder

Where my destiny failed me

Why didn’t it turn out right?

And, although you’ll be happy

Like someday, happy I will too be

But we wouldn’t feel

that intense passion, we felt together

neither you, nor me

And we’ll bid goodbye to each other

We will vanish into the light

We’ll give up & falter & stumble

We’ll lose this age old fight

Our story won’t be famous

Only the two of us will know

That we learnt life’s

most difficult lesson

And as a person

did we grow….

I am sure everyone has a

great love story

In their un-amusing lives

The one in which -

neither of the two lovers

But its true love 

that slowly dies

Have you ever known

Did you ever knew

This kind of a LOVE

It feels like

It feels like

It feels like, blessings from above

Have you ever hurt

Have you ever cried

For this kind of a LOVE

It killed you heart

It bled your soul

But it still was a gift from above

…still was a gift from above